The Art of Dancing in the Rain

Forgive, Forget...Trust?

2012-01-28T20:39:00.000-08:00

So we have all heard the saying: "Forgive and forget!"

We've been taught, rightfully so, that we must forgive to be forgiven. If we don't forgive those who trespass against us, how can God forgive us? It just won't happen. We can't harbor bitterness towards someone for something they've done to us.

But what about that "forget" part? If I forgive someone, I very rarely forget. Part of that is because I have a memory that is slightly disturbing to those that know me, but part of it, to me, is intelligence. If I've been wronged by someone, there is a higher chance that it will occur again. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them, it just means that I remember what their character is like.

I'm interested to know how others see this issue, so please comment if you have something to say.

Most of us decide to do things for "New Year's Resolutions," and I'm no different. I generally don't keep them, but it is a time for me to look back at my year, see what worked, and see what needs to change. I'm the type of person though, that if I don't immediately begin that 'resolution,' I will continue to put it off and it will never be done. If I want to lose weight, I change my eating habits immediately. No "Diet starts tomorrow!" or "I'll start eating right next week." If I have the determination to do it then, I do it then, to make sure that I don't procrastinate.

Anyways, one of the things I wanted to do this year was read the Bible through, I'm failing miserably, but something I read gave me pause, and yes, it is related to the subject I'm writing about.

In Genesis 3:22-24, the Bible says this: "And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken, So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life."

What that says to me is this: God forgave Adam and Eve for eating from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He even gave them furs instead of leaves to cover their nakedness...continued to care for them. But what He DIDN'T do, is trust them. He knew that if they were to eat from the tree of life, and it was a possibility since they'd already disobeyed and eaten from the tree of knowledge, they would live forever. So He kicked them out of Eden, and even went as far as to put an angel guard and a flaming sword to keep them out.

I haven't found anything in the Bible that says I have to trust someone after I've forgiven them, and this actually shows me what God has done in the past.

What do you think?

Hello there...

2012-01-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

I've been absent for a while, I know. Life has a way of taking over and pulling you in directions that you don't want to go, but you don't have a choice.

Since I've blogged last, we've gone through the holidays, a new year and are almost into February! That's craziness!

Anyways, I have a few thoughts, and I'm going to try to update more often since writing is my therapy, and I definitely need some therapy right now.

I hope everyone who still bothers to read this blog had an enjoyable last part of 2011, and I hope 2012 has found you well.

Origniality

2011-11-22T22:27:00.001-08:00

Do you think Adam and Eve thought about trying to be 'different' from everyone else?

Probably not. They WERE the originals. The first people to ever step foot on planet Earth. God's newest creation.

Now there were several things that were enviable about Adam and Eve, the first being that they walked and talked directly with God daily, the second being that they lived in perfect (if not perfect, near perfect) bodies with perfect living conditions.

One thing that I don't really envy about them though was their originality. Why?

I don't need to be original to be loved, I don't need to be different. I just need to be me.

I have this friend who hates cheese (cough, cough, Jen), but she hates it because she truly does not like cheese.

I have other friends who hate In-n-Out and Starbucks because they're 'popular' and everyone else likes it.

Which friend is being most truthful and being the original? Jen: because she truly does not like the thing she claims to hate. The other friend(s) are avoiding something because everyone else likes it.

If you want to stand out as different and original, why not be yourself? If you like something that someone else does...doesn't that just give you something else in common to build a friendship on?

Vacation!!

2011-10-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel in Rome, Italy. Or, as they call it here, Roma.

We flew in Thursday morning, and landed in Venice. We stayed there until Friday evening, when we flew to Rome, and tomorrow, we leave on our cruise. We'll see one other place in Italy, 2 places in Greece and 1 place in Turkey.

So far we have toured Venice, and visited San Marcos Basilica, seen the Grand Canal, shopped in the Rialto and have eaten tons pizza, we have also toured a bit of Rome, we've been to Vatican City to see St. Peter's Basilica, the Sistine Chapel, the Vatican Museum and more sculptures than I have seen in my life time. After we did that, we went to the Spanish Steps, and ate more pizza. Here are a few pictures, but I won't bore you with too many!!

The Grand Canal in Venice

St. Peter's Basilica

Me in front of the Grand Canal in Venice

The Spanish Steps

In Light of All Eternity...It's Only Temporary...

2011-10-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

October 12, 2010 will always and forever be burned into my memory.

I didn't even have a chance to enjoy the day before my life was changed irrevocably, and my heart was broken. Sounds dramatic, but it's the truth.

Around 6:30 AM, I received a phone call from my little sister. It went to voicemail before Albert woke me up to call her back. I called her back, and the words on the other end of the phone were those that I never, ever would have wanted to hear: "You might want to start heading up the hill, Dad's been in an accident, and it's bad. There is a lady here who won't talk to me until Mom gets here, but she said it's bad."

I rushed around trying to get ready to leave, but before I knew for sure that he was gone, I started mourning. I called my Mom to find out what hospital we should go to and during that conversation she told me that my Dad hadn't made it, and was gone: we should go to the house.

We didn't get a chance to say goodbye. So many regrets, so many lost memories, so much pain.

We lost a great, great man. He taught me what a man should be: God fearing, respectful, funny, a provider for his family despite the pain he might be enduring, a pursuer of knowledge, book intelligent and street smart, not afraid to tell it like it is and not afraid to love and say "I love you." He was all that and so much more.

I can't tell you that I understand the plan of God in our lives. This past year has been hell on earth with losing him and everything else that my family has experienced.

I will miss my Dad until God calls me home and I get to throw my arms around him and hear him say "I love you Miss B."

But I do have this one hope: in light of all eternity, it's only temporary. He might be gone from this life, but I will see my Dad again.

Interaction

2011-10-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

We interact with people on a daily basis. Talking, text messaging, writing, hand motions...they're all used to communicate with those around us.

Communication can be difficult sometimes, and it can be even more difficult and awkward when you're in a negative situation, correction is being doled out, or a 'helpful' friend is trying to tell you something you should do.

As most of you know, my family suffered a major tragedy last year, and we lost my Dad. In fact, in 5 days, it will have been exactly 1 year that we were forced to say goodbye to an amazing man.

Tragedy either brings out the best in people, or the worst in people, and it will never, ever leave you the same once you come through it. There will always be lasting effects from the situation, be it good or bad.

We've had several people 'take it upon themselves' to tell us how to grieve, how to mourn and how we should move on and get over it.

I would caution any of you to tell someone who has suffered a tragedy to 'Get over it' or 'It's been long enough, you need to move on.' No one knows what that person is going through internally, even if they share their heart with you, you'll never know the full extent of the pain.

But that brings me to my point: interaction can be tricky at times.

I read a blog post about "Assuming Good Intent," which talked about interaction, and how people can offend without realizing it.

How many times have we been offered a so called 'helpful' suggestion that is hurtful?

"You would look great if you lost 10 lbs!"
"You really should try "such n such" on your acne. It would clear up just like that!"

Sure, they're trying to help, but mostly their suggestion is pointing out a major flaw that you *hope* they overlook, and sometimes, those things ARE meant to tear you down or hurt you.

How do you discern between someone who means well, and someone who doesn't?

Unfortunately, I don't have the answer for you. The only thing I can tell you, is that I have started to "Assume Good Intent." I'm starting to assume that if someone said something hurtful, or flat out stupid, that they really didn't mean it in the way that it came out. Especially if that person is someone I love, and they love me. The ones that truly love you, will not intentionally and cruelly tear you down or hurt you. We can all benefit from constructive criticism, so that's not what I'm talking about here.

So the next time that you receive a 'helpful' comment, brush it off and assume that they meant well. Even if they didn't, you're none the worse for assuming that their intention was good. You're actually better off, because you don't focus on it, you don't let it bring you down, and you don't get bitter. I encourage you to assume good intent in all of your interaction...it might do you some good mentally and physically!

Bend With Grace

2011-08-02T14:24:00.001-07:00

I read this quote today:

"Welcome the unexpected changes in life. Learn to bend with grace and humility. Grow through it all and never, ever forget to take notice of the beauty changes can bring."

Unfortunately, I don't know who the author was, but I would love to read more by the individual who stated that. It's very insightful, and you can learn a lot by that simple quote.

So many times we are very averse to change. It's different, it's new.

Unfamiliar territory.

The unknown is a scary place sometimes. It's not really a place many people want to explore.

Sure, there are a few who relish the thrill, but most of us like our quiet, comfortable, known life, usually, with an occasional chosen thrill thrown in for good measure.

The caveat is that most of us can't choose our changes. We don't have the control over the universe that we sometimes wish we had.

The changes are unexpected, unwelcome and always unsettling.

I spoke with a woman the other day, who is exactly one day younger than me.

She has had cervical cancer, and while she was going through chemo, she got pregnant with her daughter. She had to be hospitalized during the entirety of her pregnancy because of the risk the chemo posed to the baby. When her baby girl was born, her legs were backwards. They had to break every single joint of that newborn babies legs and cast them, every week, during the first six months of her life, while in her mother's arms. Since then, the baby has grown to be three and was told she would never walk. She walked at age one.

That wasn't the end of this woman's story though. She has since had breast cancer three times, in addition to the time she had breast cancer at age eighteen. They can't do a mastectomy because if they did, the cancer would move to other vital parts of her body, and eventually kill her.

This lady is strong. While sharing her story, I heard not one trace of bitterness. In fact, she told me she felt selfish because she doesn't worry, and can cast all of her cares on God.

That my friends, is amazing strength, and the ability to bend with grace and humility.

Through it all, she is thankful for her baby girl, because she was told she would never conceive because of the chemo.

That story stopped me in my tracks. How many times am I un-thankful for what God has done in my life?

How many times am I so busy stressing out and worrying, when God has it under control?

I know so many people who hold on to things for years and years that need to let it go.

Let the pain and disappointment go.

Let the anger dissipate.

Forgive.

It's so important and vital in learning to bend with grace and humility through the changes.

Don't become so rigid that every change that comes along breaks you.

Bending is much easier to heal from than breaking...

A Little Bit Stronger...

2011-07-27T10:29:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a song today, and though the theme of the song didn't resonate with me, this quote did:

"Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger..."

I had to think about how true that is.

Some days, I just don't like me.

I don't like how I look, I don't like how I talk.

I don't like my methods of communication, I don't like my lack of discipline in certain areas.

Sometimes, it's very difficult to like ourselves, since we know, intimately, all of our faults and failures.

I will go further and say that this probably impacts women more than it does men, though I know there are exceptions to that.

But even on those days where I critique myself far more than anyone else would even consider, even on those days that I wish I could just erase parts of me and paste something else there, even on the days when I can't stop crying because I just can't be who and what I want to be...

I get a little bit stronger.

Why, you ask?

Because you realize you can't quit life, and you have to go on.

The world doesn't stop spinning because of an event or feeling in your life.

You realize that feelings are just that: feelings.

Sure, they're important to life: if you don't feel, you don't laugh, you don't cry with joy, you don't feel the burst of joy so much that you can't contain it when someone you love, loves you back.

But the negative feelings are just as fleeting as any other.

Each day you live and survive, you get a little bit stronger.

And I for one, am thankful for that.

Simple Thyme Bread

2011-07-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

If any of you know me, you know I love to bake. I've been getting into baking bread more, and this is one recipe that I've somewhat perfected. It tastes amazing and is relatively simple!

Serving Size: 2 loaves

Ingredients:

5 cups all purpose flour

2 tablespoons active dry yeast

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1 teaspoon fresh thyme

1 tablespoon kosher salt

2 cups of hot water (120-130 degrees)

Sea salt

Combine half of the flour with the dry yeast, brown sugar, thyme, and salt. Pour in the water (I heat mine in the microwave and really do make sure it is the temperature required) and mix for three minutes (or 100 strokes according to the recipe), stir in the remaining flour until the dough loses it's stickiness.

Knead for 8 minutes using the bread hook (or on a floured surface by hand). Shape it into a ball and put it in a lightly oiled bowl for 15 minutes to rise. I stick mine in the microwave covered to keep it warm.

After 15 minutes it should have risen a bit (not a huge amount). Punch it down and divide it into two loaves and place on an oiled (or greased) baking sheet. Cut an x on the tops, sprinkle with sea salt and place in a cold oven with a pan of hot water on the bottom shelf. Bake at 400 for 40-50 minutes (mine usually takes 35).

I eat it with balsamic vinegar and oil and it's excellent. The herbs can be switched up, and I am sure rosemary would be wonderful for any of you Macaroni Grill bread lovers out there. The steam oven effect from the cake pan of water creates a crusty outside with a tender inside!

Enjoy!

When I Cry

2011-07-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

Making a list of all the good things you've done for me,

Lord I've never been one to complain,

But right now, I'm lost and I can't find my way,

My world's come apart and it's breaking my heart,

But it helps to know your heart is breaking too....

When I cry, You cry,

When I hurt, You hurt,

When I've lost someone, it takes a piece of you too,

And when I fall on my face, You fill me with grace,

Because nothing breaks Your heart, or tears You apart,

Like when I cry...

Alone in the dark, face in my hands, crying out to You,

Lord there's never been a time in my life,

There's so much at stake, there's so much to lose,

But I trust it to you, You'll bring me through,

And it helps to know that I'm not alone...

You're the one who calmed the raging sea,

You're the one who made the blind to see,

You looked through all of heaven and eternity,

And through it all, you saw me...

When I cry, You cry,

When I hurt, You hurt,

And when I've lost someone, it takes a piece of You too,

When I fall on my face, You will me with grace,

Because nothing breaks your heart, or tears You apart,

Like when I cry...

-Lyrics by Benjy Gaither and Marshall Hall

The Unseen Hand of Pain

2011-06-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

"Pain, the gift nobody longs for, still it comes...

And somehow leaves us stronger when it's gone away..."

Pain is defined by Webster as:

"Localised physical suffering associated with body disorder; a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort, and typically leading to evasive action; acute mental or emotional stress or suffering."

I was talking with a friend last week regarding chronic pain. Both of us are chronic pain sufferers, and she was referring me to a pain clinic that she has recently frequented and recommends the doctor of the clinic.

She told me that the first day of one of the classes on how to cope, the teacher walked in the room and said: "Look at this group of people. They're all normal. No one is in a wheel chair, no one has a cane. No one is physically deformed, they're all perfect! Why would they be in pain? There's no way they can be. They must be fine." He then proceeded to say that this is how the world as a whole sees those who suffer from chronic pain.

Since they can't SEE anything wrong with you, there must not be anything wrong. Either you are classified as a liar, a faker or a hypochondriac: very rarely does someone accept what you say unless they see a physical symptom.

Pain is a strange thing, and usually very beneficial. For most people, pain is a warning sign, a trigger to know that something isn't wrong. When you feel that trigger, it elicits a response to fix the source of pain. If it's a curling iron touching the skin of your neck: you remove it, a bee stinging your leg: you slap it away and put ice on the sting, if you twist the wrong way and strain a muscle: you relax, put heat on it and lay low until the pain abates.

For chronic pain sufferers, there isn't always a cause for the pain. Your body could just hurt. Or if it does have a cause: there isn't a fix.

I have degenerating discs in my back: there is no quick fix. Sure I could pop an Aleve or two, but that's only temporarily dampening the pain receptors, it doesn't fix it long term. I was told that until I was in so much pain I could not function, that they wouldn't even consider surgery (which is fine by me). You generally can't tell by looking at me that I'm in pain. Unless I told you, you wouldn't know that every day of my life, I have some sort of pain in my skeleton from one of my hips being higher than the other, resulting in degenerating discs, bad knees, hips that constantly hurt, etc.

My point is this: just because you can't tell something is wrong by looking at someone, doesn't mean that everything is coming up roses.

I've often heard the saying: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." It may not be physical, but it could be spiritual. It may not be spiritual, but it may be emotional. The simple truth is that unless you are told otherwise: you have no idea what another person is dealing with.

I, for one, am thankful that chronic spiritual pain isn't something we must deal with. It's the easiest to take care of...take it to the feet of Jesus and leave it. Let Him soothe the broken hearts, let Him find the cure.

But for the time being, I must be content with my lot in life of experiencing pain, because He hasn't seen fit to remove it yet. I must learn the lessons that can be learned from pain, and apply them to life.

And I must also remember, to be kind to every person I come in contact with because I don't know their battle.

Happy Father's Day...

2011-06-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

To my wonderful Dad. I wish you were here to give me a hug and say: "It's the B!" but you aren't.

Here is what I said at my Dad's funeral, and I think it's fitting to post it here to honor him on this day.

My Dad is one of the most Godly men I know. I use the present tense here, because his influence and example will live on in his wife and children. He taught us to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength and led us in the knowledge of what is right. I never doubted my Dad’s dedication to God. He lived it, breathed it, and it showed in the way he walked through life.

I can’t count how many nights I would wake up at home and hear my Dad walking through our home talking to his God. His knowledge of the Bible was astounding, and though he often didn’t think he was very smart, he was one of the smartest, and wisest men I know. His passion for life showed in the things he took up as hobbies: hiking, cooking, astronomy, computers, studying the Old Testament Temple. He often became an expert in the things he was interested in. Nothing was ever done half way. His next project was to be a homeless shelter. He and my Mom always took in those who needed a hand up in life.

As a kid, sometimes you wish you had someone else’s parents instead of your own. Today, I am so thankful that God saw fit to make David Simpson my Dad and that he gave me 26 years to watch his life and learn from the wisdom 53 years taught him. I can only hope that I will be able to make an impact on lives just as he did.

He wrote to us and said: “Through to the end, the ultimate goal is to get in the gates.” He’s there…waiting for us to join him. His deepest desire that I knew was for his children and grandchildren to be safe in Heaven’s arms. His prayers will echo in my ears, and I will be sure to meet him in Heaven at the pearly gates.

Our hearts may be broken and our hero may no longer be with us, but he taught us to find a bond in each other that would last forever. He taught us spontaneity, love, dedication, determination, humility, respect and how to wake up cheerfully…by awakening us with Tarzan calls every Sunday morning.

If I could say one last thing to him, it would be: I love you Daddy, and can’t wait to see you over the river sticks. Wait for us…we’ll be there when God calls us home.

That Secret Place

2011-05-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

All of us have secrets, have been told secrets, and have secret places where we can hide from the world until the storm passes.

Psalms 91:1 says: "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty."

We all know the type of people that come to church, leave church, come back and make a big scene praying through and then leave again the next week. This is not an accusation against 'them' or their actions, but rather my experience and observations.

I have found that those who come back to church, and make Christianity their lifestyle successfully, are those who don't make a big scene, they don't cry and sob for hours begging for forgiveness, but rather, they make a decision.

This decision is made in the heart and mind, during the communion that you and God can have ONLY in the secret places of prayer. This is a relationship that is hammered out not in front of the church, not as a public declaration, but rather as a commitment that is made in secret between you and God, and no one else.

You see, living for God isn't really a community effort. Yes, the Bible does tell us to "not forsake the assembling together of ourselves" (Hebrews 10:25), and for good reason. We do need Godly fellowship to make us successful. It is also imperative to hear the preaching of the Word, as the Bible also says that we are saved by the foolishness of preaching (I Corinthians 1:21). But the actual determination and commitment that living for God requires is not a community thing. It's a completely, and wholly individual thing.

Only YOU can forge that precious relationship with God.

Only YOU can decide how to live and honor God through your life style.

Your spouse, friend, parent, pastor or youth leader, cannot, will not and should not try to do this for you.

A secret isn't a secret if it's shared with many, right?

The secret place of the most High is meant to be kept secret...between you and God.

I don't know about you, but I want to abide under the shadow of the Almighty...so I will forge that relationship and nurture it until the day He calls me home...

The Golden Boy and The Prodigal

2011-05-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

There are two sides to every person
Like the two sides of a dime
Heads or tails it depends upon
Who's watching at the time
Though I hate to say it
Mine is no exception
One part is the prodigal
The other part: deception

Like the prince and the pauper
Like Jacob and his brother
Each hide a different heart
Each a shadow of the other
Me and my doppelganger
Both share the same blood
One I have hated
The other I have loved

One of them is the Golden Boy
The man I'd like to be, I show him off in the parades
For all the world to see
The other is much weaker
He stumbles all the time
The source of my embarrassment
He's the one I try to hide

The Golden Boy is made of straw
His finest suit will surely burn
His vice is the virtue
That he never had to ear
The Prodigal has been broken
And emptied at the wishing well
But he's stronger for the breaking
With a story to tell

I'm not easy with confessions
It's hard to tell the truth
But I have favored the Golden Boy
While the other I've abused
And he takes it like a man
Though he's longing like a child
To be loved and forgiven
And share the burden for awhile.

So take a good look in the mirror
Tell me who you see
The one who Jesus died for
Or the one you'd rather be
Can you find it in your heart
To show mercy to the one
The Father loved so much
That He gave his only son...

-Jason Gray

Happiness

2011-05-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

Happiness is an odd thing.

It's sometimes elusive, and sometimes overwhelming.

This past year has been a roller coaster ride in so many ways. The happiness and excitement at getting married contrasted starkly by the death of my Dad and everything that came with it.

It's been hard to be happy. (Joy is a completely different thing than happiness, for those of you who are about to comment about the joy of the Lord.)

I was thinking this morning that I should try to come up with some things that make me happy, similar to "Counting your blessings." So I have challenged myself to come up with 50 small (or not so small) things that make me happy! (They're not in order at all, so don't think one is more important than another because it's higher on my list :)

Prefacing all of this, is of course the company of my husband and my Savior...

1. The scent of Jasmine and Tuberose.
2. Getting flowers from my husband (or anyone for that matter)
3. Friendship
4. Baking
5. Cakepops from Starbucks
6. Clothes
7. Travel
8. The beach
9. Good food
10. Iced Chai tea
11. Writing
12. Good music
13. My niece, Caterina, and my nephew, Caleb
14. Getting a massage
15. Meeting personal and professional goals
16. My car (It's a convertible and I love it)
17. Basset hounds
18. Shoes
19. Awesome accessories
20. Good hair days
21. Beautiful days like today (Not too cold and not hot!)
22. Great customer service! I've been the recipient of this recently and it's so refreshing.
23. Exercise...but it has to be outside! Running, raquetball, tennis, power walking...etc
24. Getting good news.
25. The knowledge that people love me, even though I'm not perfect.
26. Making dinner with Albert
27. A good night of sleep
28.

Ok, so it's a bit pathetic that I can only come up with 17 (Up to 27!) right now, but I'll be back with more, because I have to find 50!

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T10:45:00.002-07:00

Today is the day that we have set aside to honor our mothers. In reality, we should be honoring our mother and father daily according to the Biblical commandment, but it is nice to set aside a specific day to honor these special people.

So many people have problems with the way that they were raised, the things that their parents did 'to' them, and think they've been done wrong by their parents. Some people have been, but the majority have not been done wrong by their parents.

When you really think and consider the job that a parent has (and I'm sure you can't do this fully unless you have children), you realize that it's a difficult and sometimes daunting task. These two people are in complete charge of these little humans, and they have to teach them manners, correct behavior, lead them spiritually and financially support them, while feeding them, making sure they're clean and presentable, etc. etc. It's not a job I envy.

My point is, that it would be hard to NOT mess up a little bit, and when we think about ourselves, not many of us are perfect enough to do ANY job without a little error.

I am thankful for my Mother today. She raised four of us, stayed home with us, kept us presentable and fed all 6 of us. She and my Dad made sure that we ate dinner together as a family almost every night, and I believe that it was those evening dinners and the time that both my parents invested in us that has kept us close through tragedy and hard times. We were raised as a family that stuck together, which is rare in these times.

I have watched my Mom go through a very difficult and painful year, and she hasn't given up. She hasn't thrown in the towel or railed at Heaven demanding answers and cursing God. My Mom is a Godly woman that loves her family and has done her best to keep us together and to support us during this hard time in our lives.

I am thankful for everything she is and everything that she stands for. We're lucky to have her, and my Dad was blessed for the time he had with her as well.

Thank you Mom. We love you and will be here for you through it all.

The Promise

2011-04-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

Last week is the week that we recognize as, and celebrate Passover, Good Friday, and Easter.

It has become a rote holiday to just celebrate, give gifts (if you do that sort of thing...my Mom always blesses us with mounds and mounds of candy), eat good food and spend time with family. There is no harm in any of this, in my opinion.

This year though, Easter has a new meaning and evokes a new feeling within.

Because of Jesus being crucified and subsequently rising from the grave...I have a promise to see my Dad again someday.

You see, the story of the crucifixion is so much more than just a story. It tells of God's undeniable love for His creation, his sinful creation, and it tells how we are able to be redeemed.

That redemption story means so much more now that my Dad is waiting on the streets of Gold for me.

It means that because I have repented of my sin, and not just said "I'm sorry," but really repented, and because I have received the Holy Ghost and because I have been baptized in the only Biblical way to be baptized: in Jesus' name, I am going to see my Dad again AND Jesus if I continue to walk according to the Bible.

The Bible gives very clear instructions on how to be saved. So many people say that every good person will make it into Heaven, but according to Christ's own words: "There is none good but God."

So many people say holiness isn't required by God, but by man, but yet the Bible said: "Without holiness none shall see God."

If no standard of holiness was required in your life, then what would be sinful? Not a whole lot.

Anyway, my point is this: take the time to appreciate and learn in it's entirety the beauty of the plan of Salvation God gave to us through the Bible. The Old Testament foreshadows the New Testament, there are types and shadows that point to the things to come, and each event means something. New knowledge can be gleaned each time you read a passage of scripture.

Learn what the Bible teaches. Not just what man teaches, but what God himself, through His word teaches. Don't take some one's word for something: search it out. Look into it for yourself. Challenge your beliefs. You will come out stronger for it.

Cupcakes

2011-04-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

I made cupcakes last night, and they came out amazing, so I wanted to share!

Cherry Almond Vanilla Cupcakes with Cherry Almond Vanilla Bean Cream Cheese Frosting

Here is the recipe I used:

Preheat oven to 350

1 cup white sugar

1/2 cup butter

2 eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 teaspoons almond emulsion (extract will work as well)

1 1/2 cups flour

1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 cup milk

Maraschino Cherries

Cream the butter and sugar together. Beat in eggs one at a time. Stir in vanilla and almond extracts/emulsions. In a separate bowl, mix the flour and baking powder together. Add slowly to the creamed mixture, mix well. Add the milk and finish mixing. Pour into cupcake liners, push a cherry into the middle of each cupcake prior to baking. Bake cupcakes for 20 minutes, they are ready when the cupcake springs back to the touch.

Frosting:

1 block softened cream cheese

1 stick softened butter

2 teaspoons vanilla bean paste (vanilla extract works as well)

2 teaspoons almond emulsion (again, extract will work as well)

2 teaspoons cherry extract (juice will thin the frosting too much to hold it's shape)

4 cups (or more) powdered sugar.

Mix the cream cheese, butter and extracts/emulsions/paste together, add in powdered sugar until it reaches desired consistency.

I garnished mine with a little bendy straw and a cherry on top. It looked like a little cupcake shake!

A Safe Haven...

2011-04-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

I was at a ladies conference a few weeks ago and I heard one of the ministers say something to the effect of: "We need to take off our masks in order for God to touch us like He wants to, but too many times we don't feel the church is a safe place to do so." I did not quote that correctly, so I won't say the name of the minister who stated it, but I did think how true that is.

A few years ago, I was in a place where it wasn't safe for me to open up, it wasn't safe for me to take off the mask. It was hard to go to church service after service and not be able to reach out to God like I wanted to, NEEDED to.

Circumstances had led me to believe that I had to hide from the church, but I didn't want to hide from God. He was my refuge, he was my haven of rest...but I couldn't reach Him at church, because I couldn't let down my mask. I couldn't let anyone see the pain inside, or the heart that needed mending. That situation ended badly, and I have since found myself back in the church that I grew up in.

That experience has stuck with me, along with the realization that if that's how "God's people" acted, I wanted no part of it.

Since that time, I have only developed a few friendships that didn't exist before my period of time there. I don't trust like I used to. I don't trust God's people like I used to. I find that I hold myself aloof in the church I attend now, not wanting to open myself up to that pain of rejection again.

Fast forward to today: I struggle to take off my mask at church. I don't want to cry, I don't want to show emotion because I don't want the attention that it may draw. Why am I posting this? I hope that somewhere, someone may understand that judging those around you, gossip and selfish, harmful behavior do not have a place in the church.

In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul talks about judging a person in the church that is sinning. The people who scream and say that we are not to judge, period, are wrong. Paul teaches us that if there is something sinful going on in the church and there is no remorse or desire for change, that we are to 'judge' that behavior and 'clean house.' We judge on a daily basis: where to eat, who to hang out with, etc.

The judgement I'm referring to being wrong is this: we cannot look at a situation, one side of the story and make a judgement call that puts some one's salvation in jeopardy. It's not our place to judge as God would judge. Gossip brings this judgement about quickly. Arrogance and selfishness do as well.

Why is it so hard to show Christ's love to those in the church? Those people you're judging and gossiping about are your brother and sister in Christ. Those people you're tearing down may need building up to succeed...and you're undermining their efforts.

The House of God should be a safe haven for all who enter. Not a place where we look at someone and judge their skirt length: that's not your place. That's God's place and God's alone until he moves on their pastor to deal with the issue. Our place is to reach out to someone who may need some guidance and be their friend. Our place is to show Christ's love...not gossip about them.

My deepest desire is that one day, God and I can take down the wall that I've constructed, the mask that I've worn for too many years, allowing me to openly worship and talk to God in the safe haven of a church congregation...until then...it's my job to help create it.

Call me a feminist...

2011-03-31T15:27:00.001-07:00

You can call me a feminist.
I don't mind. My 'brand' of 'feminism' isn't the undergarment burning of the past.
It isn't screaming in rallies about my rights. It isn't demanding to be equal to a man in all forms.
What it IS, is this: We are living in a world that uses the female body to sell everything from cigarettes, to mascara, to vacations, to servers. It sells to both male and female.
It sells to males generally because of the lust factor (I'm just being honest here, and I'm not saying that females don't lust. I'm also not excusing men, because I believe that even if the desire is innate within them, they don't have to look.)
It sells to females generally because it plays off of our insecurities and tells us that if we don't look like that perfect, airbrushed model, if we buy this cosmetic we will be magically transformed into the model. (Stupid? Yes. Effective? Also, sadly, yes.)
My brand of feminism is just this: I believe that women deserve to be valued above being an object.
They deserve to be beautiful even if they aren't airbrushed perfect. They deserve to feel pretty even if they aren't wearing heels. They don't need to feel like they have to show off their assets to be desirable.
They deserve more than what society, as a whole, offers them.
Beauty isn't always on the outside, and that which is on the outside will eventually dull and fade as the years drag on.
But the beauty that's on the inside: the beauty in valuing yourself, the beauty in recognizing that you deserve respect, the beauty in recognizing that you are a human being, you are a child of God, the beauty that comes from your heart, intelligence and compassion is more powerful than any outward appearance.
Feminism is so often a 'dirty' word in Christian circles, because everyone believes that it encourages a lack of submission.
I disagree.
I think it's important for women to learn to value themselves for who they are, what they can do, for their intelligence.
Maybe, and I'm just throwing this out there, we wouldn't have so many ladies in our churches desperate to get married, because they'll "only have value as a wife and mother" if they recognized their true value.
Maybe, if we taught our girls to respect themselves as a human being first, then as a woman, and THEN as a wife/mother/girlfriend, we wouldn't have so much trouble with modesty...
Just a thought.

"You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?"

2011-03-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
"How did it get so late so soon? It's night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flew. How did it get so late so soon?"
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go."
"You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?"
- "Dr. Seuss"
--
Sometimes it's hard for me to accept me.

It's hard to accept that I'm not perfect, my heart has been broken, mended together in some spots, scarred over in others and yet still bleeding in others.

It's hard to accept that I'm not always going to say the right thing, I don't always do the right thing, and sometimes I know the right thing to do, and do the wrong thing anyway.

If someone were to quote Dr. Seuss at me and say: "You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?" I would probably laugh at them, not to be rude, but because I rarely think that being me is pleasant.

I'm so broken. I'm so weird. I'm so...not perfect.

I'm an imperfect being, created by the only Perfect Being. Sometimes I wish He would have bequeathed to me a little more perfection instead of imperfection. A little more wisdom instead of stupidity. A little more compassion than carelessness. A little more of...Him.

We are created in His likeness, but we're so...imperfect.

Our flesh is so imperfect.

I don't like imperfection. I don't like feeling like I'm not enough.

But in reality...I'm really NOT enough.

No one would want me without God's influence in me.

No one would give me a second glance without God's grace.

It's only by God's grace that I'm where I am today.

He has kept me, guided me, watched over me, sang over me, probably cried over me, yelled over me when I'm yelling at Him for something I don't like and he's directed my goings and comings.

He is all I need. And with Him, I am enough.

It's ok for me to be me, because that's who HE created me to be. With all of my failures, faults, imperfections and broken pieces...it's ok to be me, just like it's ok to be you.

So True!

2011-03-07T09:50:00.001-08:00

This post by Brother Ballestero is so true. Click here

Go read it! Check out the rest of his blog while you're there, it's full of wisdom {and hilarity}.

Should the Church be Relevant?

2011-03-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

I wrote a post a while back about relevance and how the "Emergent" church talks about the need for being relevant to the world.

The topic has once again been raised to me, and the questions asked: "Should the church change? Should the church continue to expect it's people to live a 'Holy' life? Are 'standards' of holiness necessary?"

I will open with some excerpts from my previous post (here), and then go on to discuss the matter a little deeper.

"Relevancy: the relation of something to the matter at hand.

Relevancy seems to be the buzz word of the church these days. We need to advertise on TV, because it's relevant to the generation we're trying to reach. We need to change our standards in order to stay relevant.

So by the definition I just found at dictionary.com, if you're relevant to something, it's a 'relation' (relation: a logical or a natural association between two or more things; relevance of one to another). Are we trying to associate with the world? We WANT to have a connection TO them? I am sorry, I always thought that my Bible said in 2nd Corinthians: "Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you." I must have been mistaken."

Is the word "relevant" in the Bible? No. Nowhere do you find Jesus telling us to be relevant to the world. What DOES the Bible say?

"Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath
righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?
And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part hath he that believeth
with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? For ye
are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and
walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore,
come out from among them, and be ye separate saith the Lord, and touch not the
unclean thing: and I will receive you. And will be a Father unto you, and ye
shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty."

This passage tells us that there are specific things we must do in order to be called the children of God. We have to separate ourselves from unrighteousness, darkness, Belial (the world), infidels, and idols.

Malachi 3:6 says "For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed."

Earlier in that same chapter the scripture says: "And I will come near to you to judgment; and I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, and against the adulterers, and against false swearers, and against those that oppress the hireling in his wages, the widow and the fatherless and that turn aside the stranger from his right, and fear not me, saith the LORD of hosts."

There are things we must do to be saved, BEYOND praying and cultivating a relationship with God. We must keep ourselves from sin. Praying and cultivating a relationship with God IS important, but we also have another responsibility and that is to be holy as HE is holy.

"Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober and hope to the end for grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: but as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy."

If relevancy calls for me to compromise those principals for pure and holy living that are set forth in the Bible, I will forgo relevancy for salvation.

Listening to music that infuses my mind with sin, bad language, sex and drugs is not striving to be holy.

Wearing clothes that look like they have been painted on, is not honoring God in modesty.

Watching every form of debauchery and sin take place on television is not honoring God in keeping your heart with all diligence. (See Proverbs 4:14-27)

The church in the Book of Acts did not change their message to identify with the worshippers of the Goddess Diana in order to witness to them (Acts 19).

They did not change their message for Elymas the sorcerer in Acts 13.

"Then Saul, (who also is called Paul,) filled with the Holy Ghost set his eyes
on him. And said, O full of all subtlety and all mischief, thou child of the
devil, thou enemy of all righteousness, wilt thou not cease to pervert the right
ways of the Lord? And now, behold the hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou
shalt be blind, not seeing the sun for a season. And immediately there fell on
him a mist and a darkness; and he went about seeking some to lead him by the
hand."

Jesus Christ is the corner stone of the church. 1 Peter 2:6 says "Wherefore also it is contained in the scripture, Behold, I lay in Sion a chief corner stone, elect, precious: and he that believeth on him shall not be confounded."

If the foundation of my church is Christ, and he changes not, I will not bow to the standards of this world and become relevant.

The best way to be a light in a dark world is to show Christ's love and how he can change a life for the better.

But Why?

2011-02-16T16:43:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has ever been around a child in the age range of 3 - 5 years of age knows that this age group's favorite question, that can never be worn out or exhausted is...*drum roll please*....

"But WHY?!?"

Am I right, or am I right? I know, I'm right. Thank you for validating me.

But truly, asking the question "Why" is inherent in each and everyone of us. It is, I believe, one of God's gifts to us. (I bet you're asking: "Why?" See! We all do it.)

Why is it a gift? Because it's a way for us to gather knowledge. Explore things deeper. Dig into literature, experiment with science, examine the systems of the body, and see how things work.

Children are constantly soaking up knowledge, and as wearisome as their incessant questioning can be: they wouldn't ask if they knew the answer. Most of the time, they are genuinely wanting to know, and it's building their knowledge base in the process.

We learn to suppress that as we get older. "If I ask why, they'll think I'm stupid." "Maybe she already explained it, and I just wasn't listening."

Teachers run into this regularly when they ask if anyone has questions and are met with dead silence. What is the likely hood that no one has a question? Very slight, but people are afraid to look bad in front of their peers, so they don't ask.

If we ask why, we can be labeled. Especially in a church setting: "They're a doubting Thomas." They don't accept {fill in the blank} without asking questions.

We're told that we shouldn't question God.

I submit that it's OK to question if we're alright with not receiving an answer. Questioning is one of our inherent ways of learning.

You don't know why something is the way it is? You ask an expert.

"The day you stop learning, is the day you stop living."

Why is a healthy question...use it frequently! (Though maybe in a less...annoying manner than a 3 year old.)

What is Success?

2011-02-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics,
And to endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better; whether by a healthy child,
A garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know that one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

--

Self confidence is a funny thing.

Those who have it know it's worth, those who don't have it don't know their worth, and those that have had it and lost it, know both it's worth, and don't know their own worth.

Success in achieving the goals you set and the promises you make is contingent upon realizing your own worth.

Knowing that you can meet the goal you set for yourself enables you to push forward to meet the goal. Confidence that you can keep the promise you made fuels your desire to keep the promise.

If you say you can't do it...then you more than likely can't. Self fulfilling prophecy and all that.

Remember to acknowledge those around you when they do something admirable...it will help your confidence levels.

Remember to acknowledge your successes and build your own confidence: no one else will do this for you, and you can't/shouldn't expect them to.

Confident people are enjoyable to be around, those with no self esteem are not quite as enjoyable to be around.

In closing my little, rambling post here, I will caution against conceit. No one likes to be around a conceited person...

The Passing Time...

2011-01-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

We hear a version of it all our lives:

"High School will fly by, enjoy it while you're there."

"Your babies will grow up too fast, treasure the time you have with them now."

"Your youth will fade quickly, you're only young once. Enjoy it while you can."

All are some version or another of how quickly time goes by.

As children, we can't wait to be 16.

As teenagers, we can't wait to be 18.

Once we're 18, then, we can't wait to be 21.

After that, it seems people dread their coming birthdays.

Time passes by so quickly, I think we can all agree on that. Unless you're a child waiting for Christmas, or a teenager waiting to get your drivers license.

James 4:14 tells us this: "Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."

As I flew to New York last week, I reflected a bit on the time that has passed since October. I relived that Tuesday morning when I got a phone call before 7 AM. Every phone call that either Albert or myself receives early in the morning causes a shudder now. Who was it this time? What's wrong now? How will my life be impacted?

I remember sitting up in bed sharply when my little sister told me that there had been an accident, and I needed to come right away. I remember standing in my bedroom on the phone with my Mom when she told me that my Dad didn't make it.

His vapour was over. The pain came quickly, and hasn't left or softened. If anything, it's gotten worse. Do I cry less? A bit. But the tears flowing down my face right now feel better than holding them in.

I don't understand. I doubt I will ever understand why. It still makes me mad. Mad at who? I'm not sure. Not God, though I probably was for a while. Not my Dad. I'm not sure who (or what)I'm mad at.

I can't say that I've learned much over the past few months from this. I've learned how to turn away when something hurts. Like when I was in a pizza place last week and the song he always used to sing came on...the tears flowed unbidden. I'm not as embarrassed to cry in public now. Most people don't pay attention enough to know you're crying (if you're not sobbing that is).

So many things I see that he would love, so many times I want to talk to him.

Most people did a post about the New Year, reflecting on 2010 and talking about how 2011 will be different. I couldn't find it in me until now to even talk about it. 2010 was both the best and the worst year of my life.

I married the most amazing guy (who reminds me a lot of my Dad), but I lost one of the foundations of my life, when I was married for just 3 short months. I feel bad for my husband occasionally. It's got to be hard living with someone for a short while and then having to deal with such intense grief.

This year will be different because I won't have my Dad. And that's about all I can focus on. Changing me at this point doesn't matter much. It should, but all I can see are the looming holidays that he should be present for, and the gaping hole that is present.

Perhaps the passing time will help that. The time that flies by so quickly will dull the pain. Perhaps.

Or perhaps, I'll never feel any less pain, but it will manifest itself less and less. However it goes, the hole that I have in my heart will never go away.

Better Than a Hallelujah...

2011-01-06T09:34:00.001-08:00

God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes...

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out...
-Amy Grant

--

Food for thought: Honesty is always better than going through the motions.

*Disclaimer: I don't agree with all of the theology of this song, but I will agree that sometimes a real repentant heart is better than faking going through the motions.

Don't Quit

2011-01-04T08:37:00.001-08:00

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

Author Unknown

Pondering

2010-12-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about something for a while, and decided to write about it.

I suppose it might upset some, but these are my thoughts, and if you can prove me wrong with scripture, please feel free.
--

How often do we hear the phrase "God is good," and someone responds with "All the time?"

I hear it quite a bit, and it's a very common belief in the Christian world. Songs perpetuate it, "feel good" sermons perpetuate it, and we all go along merrily thinking that "God is good all the time."

In Mark 10, the rich young ruler asked Jesus a question, and called Him "Good Master." Jesus answered him and said "Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is God."

So we do know that God is good from this statement, but where does it say in the Bible that God is good ALL the time?

Yes, we believe that God is a loving father, but he's also not a vending machine to put prayers in, and get our choice item/request out. So many times, we go to Him in prayer, expecting that our will is His, and that what we term "good" for us, is what we will get, because God is "Good."

To me, that's false reasoning. How many times have we NOT gotten what we want from God? How many times have we experienced tragedy that breaks us to pieces?

I wonder sometimes if bitterness is rooted in our belief that God is good?

I have to admit that I have not thought God is good as of late. Church continues with people saying "Just ask God for what you want, and believe He'll give it to you."

Well...what I want is my Dad back, and somehow, I don't think that's happening. Do I believe that God is God, and can do all things? Absolutely. Do I believe that he will bring back my Dad, who passed away months ago? Absolutely not.

So why ask God for it? If I ask God, and get no answer...where am I? Left, still weeping and broken, and wondering why God isn't giving me what I want.

Yes, God is good. But He is not good all the time. If He were, He would be like the parent who wants to be their child's best friend, giving in to their every whim, letting them eat cookies for dinner, and never correcting them or taking them to the doctor.

Instead, God is wise, and we are not. He knows what we need...and in the end what is good FOR us. Not necessarily what we term 'good.'

You'll never, ever hear me state that my Dad being gone was good for us. But perhaps, God knows better than I, the question of "Why?" need not be answered, and will take us through the storm.

Thankful

2010-11-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

This is Thanksgiving week, and while I'm not feeling very festive, I figured I would try to get outside myself and think about things I'm thankful for. So here is my list, in no particular order.

1. I am thankful for my family. In the past month and a half, we've had to pull together like we never have before, and I'm thankful for the love that we have for each other. It's enabled us to hold each other up when most of us (I think) would rather collapse under the weight of the situation.

2. I'm thankful for my parents. After the accident, everyone has talked about how awesome my Dad was. He was awesome and there is no denying that. But my Mom is just as awesome, and both of them together did a great job at raising us kids to be balanced, well rounded and strong individuals.

3. I am thankful for the 26 years I had with my Dad. I wasn't the child he deserved: I pulled away when he tried to hug me more times than I care to remember, didn't show the love I felt and should have spent more time with him. He was an awesome man of God, loving and lived life to it's fullest potential. God help me to be like that.

4. I am thankful for Albert. He's an amazing man that I don't deserve, and loves me anyway. There is so much more I could say, but I'll leave it at that.

5. I am thankful for my friends that have been here to support me through this crazy year of falling in love, planning a wedding, and burying my Dad. I have run the gamut of emotions this year, and I couldn't have done it without the support of those around me.

6. And lastly, I am thankful for God's guiding hand through my life. Even when I don't feel it, even when I think God has slammed the door in my face, bolted it and is not listening to my cries, I can still cling to Psalm 37:23 "The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord, and he delighteth in his way" and the assurance that the healing, the guidance and the comfort will come, even though I might not be able to see it now.

A Grief Observed - CS Lewis

2010-11-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion, or I shall suspect that you don't understand."

"It is hard to have patience with people who say 'There is no death' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversable. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter."

"The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness."

"What do people mean when they say: "I am not afraid of God because I know He is good"? Have they never been to a dentist?"

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask -- half our great theological and metaphysical problems -- are like that."

"Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims on you are an interruption, if you remember yourself, and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be -- or so it feels -- welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that silence. You might as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?"

"And so, perhaps, with God. I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear."

Learning to Dance

2010-11-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

The 'mantra' of my blog has always been: "Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

I don't think it's ever been harder to do that than now.

I've experienced loss, I've experienced failure, I've experienced pain and hurt inflicted by others, but I've never experienced this.

In the past two weeks (these have been the hardest for me), I've tried to remember the man, and not the loss. It's hard to separate the two honestly, because when I think about my Dad, I immediately go to: "He's gone." But I'm trying.

I remember him teaching me to drive and taking me up into the mountains (fitting for him) in the SNOW, and the snowplow had only plowed one lane. So both directions of traffic, driving up and down the curvy, mountain roads are going down one lane. Which means I had to drive on ice and snow, next to a sheer drop off, with no snow chains (nor snow tires) with cars headed right towards me. When they got close, one of the cars of course had to pull off to the side of the road to let the other pass. Talk about intense for a 15-year-old, terrified first driver.

The entire time my Dad was cracking up laughing. I am pretty sure he didn't stop laughing until we got home.

I learned how to drive though, and I'm convinced that it made me a better driver. I'm not so nervous driving in fog, snow or rain that I'm immobilized and jittery. I may not enjoy the drive, but I can do it.

I think this time, my Dad wouldn't be laughing the whole time that I'm trying to learn how to 'dance' through this newest trial. But I think he'd be encouraging me: "It's OK Miss B. You'll make it, and we'll see each other again."

God, it hurts so badly sometimes, I just want the pain to go away, and to wake up from this nightmare. But I know, in the end, my learning to "Dance in the Rain" down here on earth, will help me make it to heaven to dance on streets of gold with my Dad.

Irritations...

2010-11-07T23:36:00.000-08:00

So if you don't want to read my random 'ventings,' please sign off now. Just a warning!

First of all, I really wish platitudes worked for 'comforting' me.

Instead, they really just frustrate me, irritate me and push me further along the edge to saying what's really on my mind.

"This will make your family stronger in the end."

Uh huh. Suuuure it will. Because one of the foundations of my family is no longer here...so how can a structure that's missing part of it's foundation be stronger? Sorry, it can't be. Perhaps we can 'grow stronger' as individuals and 'strengthen' our familial bonds, but there is. no. way. we can be stronger as a family without our patriarch.

"He's in a better place."

Duh. Like I didn't know that. Please tell me something that will HELP my pain or please keep your thoughts to yourself.

I realize I sound mean, but really, after four weeks of this, I'm really tired of hearing the trite sayings. I can only take so much of it, and I think I was at 75% capacity the day that the accident occurred.

I've never known what to say to people who are mourning such a huge loss...and now I think I might know. Say nothing. Offer a hug, a shoulder to cry on, assistance if needed (but don't push), friendship and love. Cry with me, but don't try to minimize my pain, because nothing can at this point.

The second irritation that I wanted to address is this: don't tell me that I was born with a 'Spiritual Silver Spoon in my mouth" because I was born in church.

I realize that I am extremely blessed to have been raised in an Apostolic home, and to have awesome parents that not only took us to church, but lived it at home. I had an example by which to pattern my life.

With that being said: I do not believe that anyone is born with a "Spiritual Silver Spoon" in their mouth. We all have to work for salvation. No, we are not saved by works, but we are all tempted, tried and put through the fire to prove our salvation. Just because I was born into Apostolic faith doesn't mean that I have it easier, or harder than you do.

Don't minimize my experience and my relationship with God by saying that I was just born privileged, and imply that I haven't had to fight as hard as you have.

The Bible says that the trying of our faith worketh patience (James 1:3), Sooo...I guess maybe I have to learn patience with...the rest of the world.

Life Now

2010-11-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

Life now is very different than it was before October 12.

There's always the nagging tug in the back of my heart that my world isn't quite right.

Always the dull ache of pain that pierces every once in a while.

Always the realization that if I need something that my Dad could have helped with...I can't call him.

People have told me that they're impressed with my strength, and how well I'm doing.

I really don't have a choice. I have to go through life, I can't shut down: though I'd like to.

I can't stay in bed when I want to, because I have to push through the pain, deal with people, work, smile when I don't want to.

I have to pretend.

Pretend like everything is ok.

Pretend like when people say stupid things it doesn't bother me.

Pretend like the people who stare and treat me awkwardly are ok, and it's not upsetting me.

Pretend, pretend, pretend.

Back at My Heart

Strong on the outside, but coming apart at the seams,

that's me,

Tragically always together but bruised underneath,

that's me,

I stand just to stumble, tripping on my pride,

Why do I always try to hide?

Meanwhile back at my heart, I'm desperate for all that You are,

Undo me, take me apart,

Meanwhile back at my soul, mend me Lord

Please make me whole,

You know just where to start,

Back at my Heart...

Patiently waiting to pick up the pieces of me,

That's You,

Healer of hearts, when the world leaves it broken in two,

That's You,

The Maker of Heaven, the sky, and the sea,

when you stretched your arms,

You reached for me...

Back at my heart,

Back at my fear,

Back at my brokenness,
Lord meet me here,

Though I'm exposed, I'm not afraid anymore...

Tomorrow

2010-11-02T22:55:00.001-07:00

What do we put off to tomorrow that we can do today?

Three weeks ago today, I was reminded of how quickly time can pass.

How fragile life really is.

What are you putting off to tomorrow that you should do today?

Perhaps you should consider what you should have on your 'to do' list.

Because you're not guaranteed tomorrow.

Have something that you need to make right with someone? Make it right. Neither of you are guaranteed the time other than what you're given right now.

Been delaying getting that one thing right with God? Do it now.

"Tomorrow, who promised you tomorrow? You better chose the Lord today...Because tomorrow might very well be too late..."

Seize the moment that you're given. Life is but a vapor...that many times evaporates too soon.

Befuddled

2010-10-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

So this is something that has been on my mind heavily lately.

If God is a holy and righteous God, how do we become so arrogant that we think we can approach him any old way, with our lives in a mess and no intent to change?

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe we could ever make ourselves worthy of Christ's sacrifice, and I don't believe that we should live under condemnation because we can't. Conviction is from God, condemnation is not. If you need to know the difference, I can explain.

But what I am saying, is where do we get the idea that "God is love {only} and doesn't care what we do, say, wear or look like?"

Yes, God is love, but he is also holy. And as my Pastor said on Sunday: "His love and grace will extend further than His judgement, but when his judgement comes, it is final."

The day that I get comfortable enough to watch a dirty movie without conviction, the day that I get comfortable enough to come into his sanctuary immodest, the day that I get comfortable enough to go against His precepts in His presence (Because He is Omniscient and Omnipresent...we're always in His presence.) is the day that I beg God to make me incapable of doing whatever it is that is displeasing to him, and I have no conviction for.

If I am comfortable watching a movie...remove my sight Lord.

If I am comfortable going places I shouldn't...make me a quadriplegic.

If I am comfortable dressing immodestly in His presence...DO SOMETHING.

My prayer is that whenever I become comfortable doing something that is against my God, against my Pastor or against my convictions, that something drastic take place to change my behavior.

I do sin, I do things that I'm not proud of, but thank God, every time I do, I'm uncomfortable, the day that changes...there's something wrong.

Matthew 5:29-30
"And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that the whole body should be cast into Hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that the whole body should be cast into Hell."

Reflections...

2010-10-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Looking back on this year and reflecting is a roller coaster.

Falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, seeing my nephew for the first time, watching Caterina turn 1 and devour a cupcake in less than minute...those were the highs.

But the lows...I don't remember any of them as poignantly as this last one. Everything else...I dealt with, moved on and pushed forward. Looking back on October 12th...the reflection is one with tears, sorrow, a little bit of bitterness, sweet memories and no small amount of worry for the future.

The reflection is murky. Like looking into a dark glass or dirty water and hoping to see the reflection clearly...it just doesn't happen.

Hoping to wake up from the nightmare my life has become. The constant ache of pain. It's there behind the joy, the smile, the laugh. It's there behind the indifference, the busy-ness of day to day activities.

It's always there.

But as I reflect, there is also the Hand of God.

Through every high and low, every smile and tear, every peak and valley, He's there.

He was with my Dad in the last minutes of his life. He was there with my Mom when she was told the news. He was there with me, when I got the phone call that my hero had passed. He was there with my siblings. He's always there.

Do I understand why?

No.

Would it help if I understood why?

Maybe.

Life holds no guarantees. No promise of the future, of tomorrow.

But God has given us one guarantee that we can always cling to.

Even in the darkest night, the hardest battle, the strongest storm...

Hebrews 13:5

"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee."

Love

2010-10-21T14:40:00.001-07:00

I read a definition of being "in love" today that made me chuckle.

Here it is: "In Love - To care about someone so much that your happiness doesn't matter
anymore - just theirs. There's nothing you won't do for them, you just want them to be happy. They fill you with wonder, you are completely amazed by them. And when you are in love with someone, you'll even let them be with someone else if they can be happier without you. It's a feeling that runs so deep it conquers everything. You're not afraid of anything. All you want is them, and their happiness. They are your number one priority, over yourself and everything you know. They are your world, and you can only wish to be theirs."

We are human beings, and by nature, human beings are selfish. We are born selfish, and most of us die selfish.

Are we always selfish? Are all our tendencies selfish?

No. Even those people that we label as "selfish" aren't always selfish.

But as human beings, we fear. We want. We desire.

Being "in love" doesn't completely defeat those things.

We'd like to think so, in our fairy tale world of delusion.

We can be in love and be just as selfish, just as fearful and just as unhappy and un-amazed by life and by that person.

No, the feeling of being "in love" doesn't defeat our humanity.

What does defeat our humanity is denying ourselves, recognizing that none of us is perfect, forgiveness, continually realizing that being "in love" is a feeling, and feelings fade but our commitment and exhibition of love cannot fade.

Truly loving someone is when you realize that commitment, forgiveness and love work together to make you a better person and a better partner.

We'll all be in a better place when we realize that we're all human, we all make mistakes, we're all inherently selfish...and that we can overcome that by showing love, even when we don't feel it.

The Dash

2010-10-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to end
--
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
--
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those that loved her
Know what that little line was worth
--
For it matters not how much we own
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love,
And how we spend our dash.
--
So think about this long and hard
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged
--
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel
--
And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we have never loved before
--
If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
May only last a little while
--
So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say?
About how you spent your dash?
-Author Unknown

Heaven Gained a Hero...

2010-10-13T18:15:00.001-07:00

My Daddy was the most amazing man I know.

He was a jack of many trades, and he mastered them all.

He preached the Word with such diligence and love for God, and he studied God's word just as diligently.

He was the smartest man I know, and the most loving.

He went to Heaven yesterday...and we weren't ready for it.

God knows, we weren't ready for it.

The adult woman inside of me is so happy for him, he's in Heaven with his Savior, with no more pain, no hurt, no cares. But the little girl inside is screaming at Heaven. I just want my Daddy. God, we needed him more than you did!

What was 20 more years? Why couldn't we have had him here to take Caty and Caleb fishing and mountain climbing? Why couldn't he have been here to walk Nicole down the aisle and watch as David married the woman he loved?

Why? Would it help if I knew why?

His greatest wish was that his children would be saved...I remember him praying, crying out and begging God for his children to be saved. For his grand babies to know God like he did.

Jesus....help us. Help me. It hurts. I feel like You've taken my heart out of my chest and shattered it.

Help me to trust you Father...because my earthly Daddy is gone....

Abraham

2010-10-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

Abraham is known as the "Father of Faith" and he did some amazing things in his lifetime.

Left everything he knew and just followed God.

Swayed God's judgement on Sodom and Gomorrah and was able to delay the judgement for his family to get out.

He had the faith to take his son up to the mount and sacrifice him on the altar, as God had requested.

He made a covenant with God: I will bless them that bless you, I will curse them that curse you and in you will all of the families of the earth be blessed. (paraphrased)

But he also did one startling that we still feel the effects of today. Ishmael.

How did he let that happen? How did he let his faith slip so?

Sure, we can blame Sarah, but in all actuality, it was Abraham that had to father the child. Not Sarah. Abraham had to make the ultimate decision, and he did. And he chose, as we see it today, wrong.

God had promised him a child. Promised him a SON, and through that son, his seed was to be multiplied as the sands of the sea.

Abraham spoke with angels. Spoke with God. Got answers from God. Was able to reason with God and delay judgement on cities that were beyond evil and had angered God. Could leave his home, all he knew and follow God's leading.

But there were several times when Abraham's faith failed. He disobeyed God when he left Ur and took Lot. God specifically told him to take Sarah and leave his family. He disobeyed when he fathered a child with a woman other than the wife that God promised him a son from. He was too weak to claim Sarah as his wife, and put himself, her and the royalty that he lied to in an awful situation.

Abraham, the father of faith, failed.

I wonder sometimes in my finite mind if God would have required the dramatic situation of Abraham laying his son on the altar and raising up the sacrificial knife to arc down and take the life of his son IF he had just waited and obeyed. If Abraham didn't take matters into his own hands. Did he, in a sense, create his own trial by his failure before? Force God's hand into proving his faith by his disobedience?

Just...Me

2010-09-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged a lot about me, my thoughts and life lately.

My life has been pretty wonderful lately and, I've found, through experience, that my creative muse is more active when I am being pressed from all sides on the Potter's Wheel, if you please.

Broken like the Alabaster Box, to pour out fragrance for my Maker.

With that being said, I'm going to attempt to write about some things I've learned in my lifetime, give a little more insight about me (who cares right?) and hopefully construct a post that is meaningful. Hopefully it won't keep you too long.

In many ways, I can be a mystery to some. I am a study in opposites it seems. Inconsistent.

From simple things: loud and quiet, happy and sad, emotionless and full of emotion, painless and full of pain.

To more complex matters: cynical but yet, hopeful. Jaded but compassionate. Not loving, but loving too much. Not respecting, but yet, respecting some too much.

In short: broken, but yet, somehow whole.

We all put on facades to show to others. Displaying the perfect parts of our lives, but disguising those that are not so perfect.

Twisting our bodies so that the angle of the camera gets our 'good side,' so to speak. We're always being viewed through the lens of someone else's 'camera' and we want that snapshot to be perfect, exactly how we want it.

"All the world's a play and I'm a performer, acting out the part I want them all to see...but when the curtain's closed, and everyone's still watching, I hope you find me living what I claim to be..."

How much more accurate would that line be if it ended in "...But when the curtain's closed, and everyone's still watching, I'm NOT living what I claim to be?" Would that ring more true in the majority of our lives?

No, you say?

I know it would be true, to a point, in my own life.

How many times have I portrayed myself to be completely in control, calm, cool and collected with no problems to deal with? And how many times was that portrayal incorrect, or at the very least, incomplete?

At times, I flounder. I falter. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm drowning...but most people wouldn't know.

I am more honest on my blog than I am in real life...and that's shameful.

No one has it all together, so why do I feel so inadequate when I don't? Why do I need to give myself a false self-esteem boost, when I know that I'm just normal?

We have been so socialized as a society that we must be perfect. Perfection is key to get what you want out of life....and yet, we'll beat ourselves up so badly when we're not perfect, that it's hard to get anything you want out of life. Unless you want self hatred, remorse, regrets for wasted days of anger and resentment and a vast chasm between you and your dream: the chasm of imperfection.

How much more would we get out of life if we didn't mind being imperfect and we didn't mind showing our imperfections to those around us?

Really, how much could we learn from one another if we let down some walls that shield our perfectly coiffed personas? Is your image more important than the knowledge you can glean?

When God Uses the Word Hate...

2010-09-20T15:18:00.000-07:00

Romans 9:13
"As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated."
(see Malachi 1 for more on this)
--
Why?

How could God love one brother, yet hate the other?
They were twins.
They had the same lineage.
They were probably more alike than they were different, although the Bible tells us that they had very different pastimes.
Esau was a hunter, Jacob stayed in the tents.
One was favored by Daddy, and one was favored by Mommy.
So why did God love one and hate the other?
The difference was Desire.
Jacob had a desire for the things of God.
Esau couldn't care less.
He sold his birthright.
Proverbs 23:23 says "Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding"
Esau was born into privilege. He had the truth. He didn't have to buy it.
It was his.
So many Apostolic young people are born into privilege, but they despise their birthright.
Jacob did everything within his power, yes, even lying, cheating and stealing, to get the blessing that Esau had.
And Esau just handed it over.
Are you more like Esau than Jacob?
Or do you have the desire that Jacob did...that even though sometimes you might be misguided, you have the desire that God loves?
Buy the truth...and sell it not.

2010-09-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

So how often, honestly, do we check our attitudes?

Unfortunately, we don't have a little temperature gauge that tells us if we have a bad one or not, but we do have ways of telling. If we're honest with ourselves.

How often do we check our motives for things we do?

Are we only saying that thing to "put someone in their place?"

Or are we saying something so that someone can see their fault and being a true friend?

Life can wear us down to a frazzle, with only a thin string keeping us from the brink of insanity.

In those times, do we justify our attitudes, shortness and curt answers? Our rants to "put someone in their place." When in all reality we're pushing that someone away?

I know that I don't always see when this is happening in my life.

On Labor day it took a not so pleasant (for me) reminder from my husband that I was not being nice. I took inventory of what I was feeling, and I was tired, not feeling well, and in a lot of pain. So I went in and took a nap.

Was I completely better when I woke up? No, of course not. But just that little time of rest helped me to get into a frame of mind that I could socialize.

How often do we fall into the trap of "They're my family, they've seen me at my worst, it doesn't matter how I treat them?" Or "I'll apologize later."

Sometimes, no matter how much we apologize, we can't fix what we've caused.

A Jewish proverb, that I can't find at the moment talks about when we offend someone, it's like taking a feather pillow, ripping it open and emptying it's contents to the wind. Apologizing is like trying to gather all the feathers again...it's impossible to do and get back to the original condition.

So, the thought I would like to leave you with is: How often do you check your attitude? Would God be pleased? Be it a judgmental attitude, an irritated attitude, an unthankful attitude, a complacent attitude or a just plain bad attitude...

Ahh...Politics.

2010-09-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Politics...we've all heard it before.
The Latin root 'Poli' means many and 'tics'...well.
We all know what those are.
Bloodsucking cretins that attach to your body to drain you of what gives you life.
With that, my friends, I begin my next post.
--
Before a few years ago, I paid no mind to such trivial things.

I go to an Apostolic church, who needs to pay attention to such things within the church realm?

We're all here for the same reason: to get to Heaven and live a holy life.

Or so I thought.

My "thought" was wrong.

No, not everyone is here to get to Heaven and live a holy life.

The critiquing of every action, item of clothing, hair style, shoe choice and color of clothing has proved to me different.

Our ranks are filled with nitpickers, people who enjoy tearing others down, and those who engage in the contest of "I'm holier than you, what are you going to do about it?"

I realize that I might catch some flak for this post, but this has been on my mind for a while now.

How can we say that we're trying to be "Christ-like" when we tear down our brother?

Yes, Jesus was very blunt and at times seemingly harsh with the Pharisee's...but they were the "Holier-than-thou" bunch. They had it all together. Or so they thought.

What about those of us who are just trying to make it, get through without falling, and when we do we get back up?

What about those of us who have heart issues to deal with before we deal with other issues you think are damning us to hell?

I firmly believe that we are to live a Godly life, holy and righteous before God. And yes, that includes dress, speech, actions and the state of your heart.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect...perhaps you can teach me how to be?

Or perhaps...just perhaps...God can teach me Himself.

I think he's a better teacher anyway...because our methods mostly seem to be talking behind people's backs, criticizing, comparison and mocking.

God's are more direct...they hurt for a moment and then He heals them.

You can't heal the pain you inflict on me by backstabbing, gossiping, criticizing and mocking, so please stop trying to perfect others, and let God do His perfect work.
--
I don't believe that "Politics" are what God wants us to focus on. Why don't we try living our own lives, working on our own issues: be it pride, gluttony, insecurity, etc., and pray that God helps us to be more compassionate towards the world around us. After all...isn't the Great Commission that we've been given to save the lost? What part of politics saves the lost?

Dancing Through the Pain

2010-08-18T14:40:00.000-07:00

Fluid movements...
Graceful turns...
Gentle leaps...
Soft twirls...
A pointed toe...
A pirouette...

Dancing, to even the most casual of observers, is a beautiful thing. The gracefulness, fluidity and strength that an individual must have to execute the movements are astounding at points, and impressive at their least.

To the casual observer though, they do not know the time, practice, exercise, diet and yes, even pain, put into that dance.

As with any acheivement, pressing on when one is tired, pushing through the sore muscles, continuing to do that thing that taxes one's strength the most, there is work put into it that no one, not even the instructor, can see, feel, or experience.

And pain can come out of nowhere...when quitting just isn't an option.

In our dance of life, we're sure to encounter pain...does this mean to quit in the middle of a performance? Bemoan your fate to the known world and cry "Poor me?"

Sometimes, even that isn't an option. Sometimes, we just have to bottle it up inside and hope and pray that the pain abates.

Just because you've been injured during the dance of life doesn't mean you have to stop dancing. It also doesn't mean that you have to shout it from the rooftops...

Sometimes the best healing can take place when it's just you and God that know, and God can take care of it in His time...

Self Discipline

2010-08-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

*Don't shoot me over this post please! It's only meant to incite thinking, not violence!*

As Apostolics, we think that disciplining ourselves is important.

Fasting a certain number of days, paying our tithes and offering, praying for a certain amount of time every day, dressing modestly, and the list goes on and on.

Everything that we call "standards" could actually be called "Self Discipline."

So tell me, why do we have so many Apostolics that are overweight?

Isn't gluttony just as much of a sin as idolatry? Fornication? Murder? Adultery?

Even if it's not gluttony for one person, it's damaging our bodies. Our temple. The temple that we aren't to damage by drinking alcohol, smoking or tattooing our skin.

So why should we damage our body with food, if we can't damage it with other things?

I'm not bashing anyone who is overweight, I've been there before.

I also understand that there are health problems that make people heavier and people who do not over eat who are still heavier. That's not what I'm talking about here at all.

I'm talking about not eating right, not exercising and not taking care of the temple God gave you.

Again, I'm just as guilty as the next person...

He entrusted our money and income to us, and in return, as a good steward, we pay our tithes and offering. The very first thing He entrusted to us is our bodies...we've had that since birth. Why would we then, NOT be a good steward of our longest possession that God gave to us to take care of?

Just something to think about.

Playing Beautiful

2010-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

She's waiting for someone to save her, Waiting for an angel looking for some hope,

The streetlights that flicker over her head, are making scary shadows, she wants to hurry home,

You've got to think this over...

Isn't everyone pretending they're alright? Isn't everyone about to fall?

Isn't everyone playing beautiful tonight, Isn't everyone about to fall?

She's breaking with every word that he said, It came with a sharp edge, so hard to fake a smile,

Last night ended like the last fight,

But she would never tell you, she's barely getting by.

But we're holding on, just like there's nothing wrong,

Oh even if we look so strong, we're about to fall...

You know you're playing beautiful,

But we're about to fall...

-The Wrecking.

How many times have we heard the phrase: "Fake it 'till you make it?"

Probably more times than we can count. I know I've heard it, repeated it, and put it into action.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but to a point we all have to be fake in life.

I don't like fake.

I don't like being fake, I don't like fake people, I simply don't like fake.

If I sense someone is being fake with me, I immediately throw up a wall, put on a plastic smile and shut down.

My mind says: If you're fake, I'll be fake.

Sure, I know that we're all fake to some point.

"All the world's a stage, and I am a performer, acting out the part you want me to be, but when the curtain's closed and everyone's still watching, I hope they find me what I claim to be..."

I will be fake with people because it's a necessary evil.

But how many times do I allow myself to be fake with God?

The most real being in my life...and I allow myself to be fake.

Sure, I know in my head that He knows all. Sees my faults and failures. Sees my sin splayed out before Him...and yet...I still don't get real with him.

God help the plastic people who move when they're told, do everything asked of them and still hide from their Maker....

Here in the Silence

2010-07-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth. ~Mahatma Gandhi

God's poet is silence! His song is unspoken,
And yet so profound, so loud, and so far,
It fills you, it thrills you with measures unbroken,
And as soft, and as fair, and as far as a star.
~Joaquin Miller

You can hear the footsteps of God when silence reigns in the mind. ~Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Not merely an absence of noise, real silence begins when a reasonable being withdraws from the noise in order to find peace and order in his inner sanctuary. ~Peter Minard

Have Your Way...

2010-07-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

"...Feels like I've been here forever, why can't You just intervene?
Do you see the tears falling? And I'm falling apart at the seams?"

There are times when I feel like a little mouse on a wheel that can't break free from it's constant cyclical motion.

Over and over and over and over. I do the same thing, act the same way, get the same results.

We all face different cycles that bind us: depression, illness, sin, frustration, anger, self inflicted financial difficulties.

Someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

How many times have I done this? How many times have I tried to fix my brokeness on my own?

Life teaches us how to trust God in so many ways that we'd never learn in a classroom or on a church pew. Even if we were taught these things, we wouldn't have the fortitude to put them into practice without the painful experiences to guide us.

"You never said the road would be easy, but You said that You would never leave,
You never promised that this life wasn't hard, but you promised you'd take care of me..."

God didn't promise us that we'd have it easy once we turned to Him. Sometimes I'm willing to bet that life gets harder once we turn to God. Now, we don't have control. Now we can't change it ourselves. We have to wait...which is hard.

"...Remind me that you take the broken things and turn them into beautiful..."

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified. -Isaiah 61:3

"...So I'll stop searching for the answers, I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you God with where I am, and believe that you will have your way..."

No matter how much we demand of God an answer, no matter how much we pressure Him to show us the way...He is God and not required to show mere humanity what He is doing in a Heavenly realm. He cannot be pressured into showing us what we want to see. Giving us what we want to get. Sometimes, we have to let go of ME, MYSELF and I and cling to Him. He is soverign and we are not. He is all knowing and we are not. He is GOD and we are not.

"Even if my dreams have died, and even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life..."

And even when you feel like everything is lost...you still worship.
--
On a lighter note...If anyone is interested in seeing pictures from the day I married the best man in the world go here. Enjoy!

Change...

2010-07-01T08:35:00.000-07:00

Change - def. - v. to pass from one phase into another, to become transformed or
converted, to pass gradually into.
--
Change is inevitable, no?
Every one of us experiences it, it alters each one of us and is a normal course of life.
The world is constantly in motion, turning, slowly changing dawn into midday, midday into dusk, dusk into evening.
Things are constantly growing: flowers, grass, children.
So then it stands to reason that each of us would change.
That parts of us would change, grow and blossom with the rest of the world.
Circumstances will alter our behavior, teach us by our mistakes and, sometimes, cause pain.
--
Moving into a new phase of my life, I've had to take inventory of my life and make some changes of my own.
I have always been a people pleaser.
I've always done everything in my power to make people like me, going out of my way to be 'the good friend,' and making every effort possible to be the one that people wanted to be around.
People pleasing is a dangerous behavior. It has fostered insecurities within, enabled other people's bad behavior and has damaged my relationships.
It has left me insecure, imperfect and broken.
A few weeks ago I sat in tears as I contemplated the fact that (with very few exceptions) before wedding planning, I made the majority of the effort in my friendships and couldn't anymore.
With my life changing, and my priorities needing to be realigned...I'll probably end up with fewer friends.
During the frustration of wedding planning, I learned a few (painful) things.
I've always heard it said: "Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you're only an option in theirs."
I'm just rambling here, I hope you're not expecting something deep.
I'm really just seeing that my life is changing: has changed, and unless my friends are willing to change with me...I'll not have many left.

When The Sand Runs Out...

2010-06-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

Spent the morning at an old friends' grave,

Flowers and amazing grace, he was a good man,

Spent his whole life spinning his wheels,

Never knowing how the real thing feels,

He never took a chance or took the time to dance,

And I stood there thinking as I said goodbye,

Today's the first day of the rest of my life...

I'm going to stop looking back and start moving on,

learn how to face my fears,

love with all of my heart, and make my mark,

I want to leave something here,

Go out on a ledge without any net

That's what I'm going to be about,

I want to be running when the sand runs out...

People do it everyday,

Promise themselves they're going to change,

I've been there,

But I'm changing from the inside out,

That was then and this is now,

I'm a new man, a brand new man,

And when they carve my stone, they'll write these words:

"Here lies a man who lived life for all that it's worth..."

And as the cold wind blows across the graveyard,

I think I hear the voice of my old friend whisper in my ear...

-Rascal Flatts

Fight Another Day...

2010-06-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

I know I've been MIA for a while...but hey, I'm busy! Planning a wedding isn't the least involved thing that you can choose to do!

Three weeks and it will be over!

In the meantime, I'll share a song that I heard recently...I love it! It just serves as a reminder to me that our lives here on earth will not be perfect...they'll be fraught with storms and fires, but if we lean on Him through it all...we'll be here to fight another day. :)

--
Your broken dreams, your crazy schemes,
They always let you down,
The things we chase, a hopeless race,
You're breathless on the ground,
From soaring highs to crash-and-dies,
A peace yet to be found,
But you can spend a lifetime running,
You can spend a lifetime running...

Do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like it's the last you've got?
Will you step aside when it all falls down and watch it burn away?
Have a little faith when the walls cave in,
Pray for strength to fly against the wind,
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot,
Or fight another day?

Your fractured heart, your disregard,
It leaves you frozen still,
A slow withdrawl from it all, that keeps you unfulfilled.
Will you spend a lifetime running?
'Cause you can spend a lifetime running...

Even when your heart's been broken,
He'll be there with arms wide open.
Be strong and His love will lead you to fight another day...
-Addison Road

Unorthodox...

2010-05-12T22:27:00.001-07:00

...but very effective.

That's what my conversation with a friend from High School was today.

I originally met K when I was a tutor in an AVID class, and she was one of my students. Though we are the same age, because of the dates of our birthdays, I was a grade ahead of her. (I'm quite sure though, that if we were both tested for placement in any class...she'd outscore me...she's brilliant).

She has always attended non-denominational Christian churches, but, by her own admission (and her own words) is on a break from Jesus right now. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that she is fighting with Him, and even though she knows she'll lose, she's going to give it 110% until she loses...and then she knows that she'll have to repent...110%.

We were talking about several things, and during the course of our conversation, she told me that God was trying to "grow" me in a certain area.

Oooh, boy, I did NOT want to hear that. When do we ever want to hear that God is trying to work something out of us through an uncomfortable situation? I don't very often. If ever.

But it hit me, and I carried it with me to church tonight. And through prayer. And home with me. I'm trying to wrap my head around how I can grow...and get rid of my bad attitude about it.

Because I do have a bad attitude about it...Jesus and I ARE on speaking terms, and believe you me...we've discussed it in depth. Or rather: I've complained and He's silently convicted me.

In some situations, and I think this is one of them, fear is a hinderance to growth. It makes you afraid to stand up and say something. It causes your confidence in yourself to fall. Not fun stuff!

Anyway. God is growing me...during my prayers tonight, the scripture came to my mind about when Paul was "kicking against the pricks." God brought him to his lowest point before Paul, Saul at the time, was able to get it through his thick head....I'd rather not be taken there.

So I'll grow, and I'll be thankful, and I'll work on my attitude. Maybe if you and I both do it...the world will have better, thankful and more cheerful people. Especially if we learn to forgo the kicking against the pricks, and in turn: our lowest points.

Gossip...

2010-05-12T13:55:00.001-07:00

I found this on a friend's Facebook page, and felt like it bore repeating! It's a Dear Abby column that I think is great to keep in mind.

Thanks Heather for sharing!

--

"Dear Abby: When I was growing up, my mother and the other ladies in our church were extremely polite to each other. However, when one of them wasn't present, the others would talk behind her back. They would compliment a woman to her face, then criticize her as soon as she walked away.

"Mother always defended this behavior as a "harmless" pastime. I don't know whether or not it hurt the people who were the butt of gossip, but I know it harmed me and the children who were listening.

"Their behavior taught me not to trust anyone -- especially people who were nice to my face. Instead, I trusted abusive people because I thought they were being honest. I ended up running with a bad crowd and found myself dating abusive men because I couldn't trust polite guys.

"When someone did compliment me, I didn't believe it, so I never developed self-confidence. I was afraid people were laughing at me behind my back.

"I had trouble making friends with other girls because I was afraid to open up and reveal my feelings for fear that whatever I said would become grist for the gossip mill.

"After a year of therapy, I have finally found the self-confidence I lacked. My sisters haven't been so lucky. Neither has friends. Both are married to abusive men.

"Abby, please inform your readers that there is nothing "harmless" about gossip, especially to children who may overhear it. --Gaining Trust in Georgia."

Abby's Response:

"Dear Gaining Trust: Your experience and that of your sisters has stated that fact more strongly than I could have."

--
Just something to think about.

Sometimes, as church going members, we think that if we keep our skirt length long enough, our neckline high enough and don't cut our hair we're getting to Heaven.

Your standards of outward Holiness don't save you...it's those that are so rooted in your heart that they won't allow you to stray from them. Taming your tongue should be one of those....

365 Project...

2010-05-05T11:39:00.001-07:00

Erica and I have decided to do a 365 Project on our Random! blog.

A 365 Project is taking a picture each day and posting them for a year...so...this time next year, we'll be done!

Our first theme is Spring...enjoy our pictures.

untitled

2010-05-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

I saw her for the first time in over 16 months a few weeks ago, and I wasn't too excited about spending time with yet another person. I've always been the type that needs alone time to rejuvenate, and it seems to be in short supply as of late.

But, I agreed to dinner, and after a long day of other projects, I was tired. When she walked up, I immediately saw something different about her: she had a partially red, partially black mohawk. As an English teacher for Seniors and Juniors at a local high school, I thought it was appropriate, and fit who I knew her to be.

She's always been an individual, and is definitely someone that I respect. I've blogged about her before: 16 months ago after our last meeting.

Since then, life has taken it's yearly toll. Never all sweet, but rarely all sorrowful, life goes on and...changes us.

In the past year, we both saw victory: her in the form of her daughter's birth, and I, I found victory by overcoming my fears and opening up to a wonderful guy that I'm marrying.

But we both experienced sorrow in the year we had been apart as well, and in short order we were both crying as she shared her story of the past year.

I came away from our meeting with a thankful heart, and a thoughtful mind.

I've since experienced more life.

Things happen, and try to steal our happiness.

We hurt. We cry out from pain and frustration.

We sometimes even continually ask God: "Why? What purpose do you have here Lord? It just hurts, and I don't see an end result that benefits me at all. Pain is supposed to bring gain...not just be painful."

I've learned, through the tears, to ask myself this question:

"Is this the hill upon which I choose to die?"

I'm quite sure you've heard that statement in various forms before. But for me...it's become profound. And something I have had to repeat to myself continually. When memories bombard my mind, I go back to "Is THIS the hill upon which I choose to die?" Is it worth it? Is it worth stealing my happiness?

Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's painful.

But no. I don't choose to die on this hill. I may bleed a bit, but I'm trusting God, and I will not die on any hill of hurt.

God brings people into our lives for a reason, and I think that God brought my friend back into my life at this point to show me: if she can make it through her mountain of hurt and not die...you can make it over your hill.

It's JUST a Fence...

2010-04-17T23:16:00.000-07:00

Today, during my travels about town, I drove down a well traveled street in our area that I've traveled many a time. As I drove, I was looking around at my surroundings. I do this sometimes when I'm not in a hurry to be somewhere: I love to soak up the world around me and take in the detail.

Anyone who knows me in any close capacity at all, knows without a doubt, how crazy my memory is. I have an extremely good memory that records detail, names, events, dates, anything...you name it, I can remember it. If I have ever driven somewhere, ridden in a car with someone else driving or been told directions, I can almost always get back with no further instruction, maps or need for a GPS.

Anyway, I noticed something that I haven't ever noticed before: a playground.

The playground definitely wasn't new, and actually looked dangerous for adults, let alone children, to play on. I began to think in horror to myself: "Do people actually let their children play on that?! What if a child comes out here unsupervised?!"

My mind quickly moved to when I was a child, at 9 years of age, and my best friend, Wendy, was killed on Easter...on a playground.

As I drove though...something caught my eye that I didn't see before. Something I had to actually look PAST to see the object of my horror.

A fence.

The fence was erected around the playground, the whole 'park' area actually, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

SOMEONE had noticed the danger of this area and put up a fence to keep people out.

Wow.

I began to think of the spiritual implications that this brought to my mind.

As Christians, there are things that we should and should not do.

There are things that we are explicitly required by God NOT to do, and then there are the things that are implied. These are Biblical instructions.

Then there are the things that our pastor preaches...the fences to keep us from dangerous playgrounds.

I've heard this concept before, and actually have blogged about it and taught it many times: the prison mentality vs. the fortress mentality.

If you think that the guidelines and Biblical standards that we follow are imprisoning you, then you will live in chains. You will constantly feel that someone is standing over you, ready to whip you into place and righteousness.

But...if you change your mindset to thinking that the guidelines and Biblical standards are forming a fortress around you...THEN you're being protected from the dangerous playgrounds of the world around you. You're being protected from the predators, the swinging pendulum of sin that's fun on the way up...and horrifying on the way back down.

Sure...there are pleasures in sin for a season. The Bible tells us that...but...I'd rather have the righteousness, peace and joy promised for every season, stage and place in my life.

Bring on the fences Lord...I promise to do my best to not look past them to the dangerous playground beyond...

An Idle Mind...

2010-04-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

...is the devil's workshop.

--

We've all heard the saying.

Ever really thought about it though?

Hmmmm....think about it for a minute before I go on.

--

Have you ever just stopped to think and never started again?

Gotten so caught up on something that you can't un-snag your mind from that one thought?

I have. And I'm sure you have as well, if you were to be honest with yourself.

--

Now....let's take that 'thought' one step further. Have you ever let yourself dwell on something or someone, and then allowed yourself to talk about them, cut them down and determine their motives before even talking to them about the issue in question?

Hmmm...How many of you will admit to that? Probably not many, although we're all guilty of it.

--

James 1:26 in the ESV (oooh, I'm going to burn for using a different version of the Bible! Gasp!) says:

"If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless."

Wow.

Worthless.

If I can't get my tongue under control, my relationship with God is WORTHLESS.

--

Now, Psalms 39:1, (a Psalm from David, whose life I am studying at the moment: means nothing to this post...just an aside) in the ESV says: “I will guard my ways, that I may not sin with my tongue; I will guard my mouth with a muzzle, so long as the wicked are in my presence.”

Guess I better watch my mouth, my posts and my actions, eh?

--

Psalms 91:1-6

"He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day; Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday."

The Seeming Paradox of Healing

2010-04-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

Paradox: a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth

Healing: To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness, to set right; repair.

I can remember so many times as a child when I would drop a dish, glass or precious breakable item of my Mom's and the utter dread I would feel as it crashed to the ground, splintering into many pieces.

Once it fell...there was no recourse. It couldn't be made whole again. I couldn't turn back the clock and stop myself from running into the table, or having slippery fingers. There was nothing I could do...except hope, against all reason, that it wouldn't shatter TOO badly, and we could glue it back together.

Occasionally, this would happen, and my Mom or Dad would get out the super glue and attempt to fix the item I had broken. I would hover around, with a sick feeling of dread in the bottom of my stomach, because I had just ruined a thing of beauty.

Once it was glued back together, the glue set and the days and weeks passed by, each time you looked at the piece that had been broken, it wasn't quite as beautiful. There were cracks and lines. Chips of paint that had come off in the initial injury. And it never failed that it was even more fragile than before.

With it's new hyper fragile state...it never lasted long in a household that always had active children in it. Sooner or later, the item would crash to the ground again, either by my doing, or that of another careless child, and it would be shattered beyond repair.

So it is with trust, our hearts and the fragile part of our souls that can be damaged by the words and actions of others.

In a household with other active children in it, the House of God, will always have those that are damaged, broken and in need of healing.

In fact, if you, as a child of God have never been damaged, broken and in need of healing...buckle up dear one...because it's coming.

But...God.

Yes.

But God.

In our physical world, the items that are cracked, broken and splintered can never be repaired.

In our spiritual world...our souls, hearts, trust and essence of our being, which, most of the time is even more fragile than the many beautiful pieces of glasswork I broke as a child, God can put the splintered and shattered back together.

And He does it seamlessly and flawlessly.

How does He do this you ask?

Isaiah 40:28 tells us:

"Hast thou not known? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? There is no searching of His understanding..."

Then, in the book of Jeremiah, He uses an illustration that all of us have heard at one point or another:

The Potter's Wheel

If you know what a potter's wheel is, I'm sure you can see how God puts us back together seamlessly.

How painful is the process you ask?

That all depends on how hard you have allowed yourself to become...

The more pliable the clay, the less painful the transformation back into a flawless vessel of honor...

The harder the clay is, the more tears that are needed to soften it...the more breaking that is needed to crush it...the more painful the process.

"Broken, lost and so afraid, this world can be so cold,

Everywhere I turned for help, led me down a dead end road,

Then Mercy spoke through my pain,

In a gentle voice He called my name...

I felt the touch of perfect love and would never be the same,

When Grace got a chance..."

"Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me and I shall be saved: for Thou art my praise."

-Jeremiah 17:14

All That Matters...

2010-04-07T15:29:00.000-07:00

All That Matters
Anthony Evans, Jason Ingram

Obsessed with what they’d think if they really knew me
And I’ve been oppressed with the feelings
Of never being enough and I’m tired...I’m tired

All that matters me is what you see when you look at me
All that matters to me is how you feel when you think of me
No more distractions, my one affection is only you my Jesus now…
You’re all that matters

I’ve wasted time believing
I could become everything they wanted
Now I’m left with only pieces of who I was, and who I really am
I'm so tired, I am tired

I don’t need another heart but yours, but yours
I won’t put any other love before you my Lord
--

I heard this song for the first time today, and it was definitely right when I needed it.

I'm finding that now that I'm getting married, people are definitely letting their true feelings about me come out! Some are nice...other's...not so nice. But that's life, right?!

I saw this posted on Facebook today by Brother Kelly Ventura (an amazing evangelist):

"You will kill yourself by seeking approval from people who have invested nothing in you. Lose them and regain your sanity."

Amen to that!

I still, even as an adult, worry too much about what everyone thinks about me. It's something I haven't worked on enough...but I suppose I will need to work on it more.

There are very few people that should have control over me in regards to their opinion of me...everyone else...just shouldn't matter.

Lord, give me your heart. Your compassion.

You said that we'd be despised for your namesake...it doesn't always feel nice Lord...but you know that already. You've been there, done that.

Thanks for being my strength when I'm weak Lord...and giving me people that support me and love me.

For Vren...

2010-04-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

A 'sneak peek' of our engagement pictures can be found here...

Here...

2010-04-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, as the majority of my friends and family know: I'm getting married.

One of the questions that I have been asked repeatedly by those who have heard this (wonderful) news is: "Why him? How did you know that he was the guy you wanted to marry?"

That answer can be simple, or it can be complex.

Why him? Because he's...Albert. There really wasn't one thing that jumped out, hit me in the face and said "THIS IS THE GUY I WANT TO SPEND FOREVER WITH...because...because...he doesn't like chocolate!"

It was the compilation of who he is that convinced me that it was worth risking my heart. If you want the truth...I don't think I really had a choice! He was up and over the walls that I've so carefully constructed around my heart before I knew it...and that was the end of any resistance I might have had.

He is anything I would have ever wished for in a husband, and absolutely nothing that I feared.

Everything that I've gone through in my life, the past few years, and every valley I walked through...they were worth it. Every trial brought me closer to the woman that I am today...and that woman is loved by an incredible man.

God has blessed me with the one guy who can understand my sometimes sanity, sometimes...insanity, mostly logical, backwards, anti-social self...and he loves me through it all. What a wonderful God we serve.

So here's to Dancing in the Rain...with a partner!

There's a place I've been lookin' for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now, the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms this way

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

Fear

2010-03-16T22:02:00.000-07:00

The one permanent emotion of man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. ~Henry Louis Mencken

I have to admit that the unknown, and most change scares me a bit.

Anything that I cannot have a clearly mapped path for in my life's course is more than a little overwhelming and uncomfortable.

A lot of times, it's unnecessary emotion, stress, and energy that doesn't need to be expended, but that fact alone doesn't preclude me from feeling it.

As a child, I hated being teased about something that I didn't know, so I set out to 'know' everything I could. My memory being what it is, I was somewhat successful at it, but it doesn't prevent the teasing...that's something you have to learn to deal with as an adult.

I'll admit that I revert back to childhood at times when being teased. It hurts occasionally, causes me to feel uncomfortable, and gives me a feeling of inadequacy and ignorance.

Ridiculous you say?

Perhaps.

The unknown makes me feel uncertain of my future, and that's difficult.

Thankfully God does know, and since he and I are working on my trust issues there, I just have to lean into His capable arms.

Jeremiah 29:11 says:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

And Psalms 37 lets me know: "The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand."

I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back. ~Erica Jong

Self Acceptance

2010-03-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

"There is, I believe, no such thing as unconditional self-acceptance. Those who say so are promulgating a pernicious lie. One must first live a decent, honorable, and productive life. Only then do you get to feel good about yourself. Seeking to heedlessly gratify your desires or impulses of the moment to do things (or fail to do things) your conscience knows to be contrary to your standards of right, worthy and virtuous behavior is, in a mental, emotional, and spiritual sense, akin to spending capital that you have not earned, and therefore will eventually cause you to feel very negatively...about who and what you are. You cannot in the long run eat your cake and have it too. The longer...you behave in certain ways, the more it comes to define you, not only to others, but also to yourself..."

-Excerpt from: Stop Whining, Start Living

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Love...

2010-03-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Today has been a...rough day.

I've been fighting with myself, being selfish, having a pity party.

This isn't exactly how I would have chosen to introduce this topic to my blog, but I want to talk about the topic of love a bit, annnndd...I really want the world to know anyway!

I am getting married to the most amazing, most wonderful, caring, loving, and funny guy on the planet!!

Yay for me...I feel sorry for him sometimes though! Heh...

Today, was one of those days...

I think that in the next few weeks, months and years, I will be reading the scriptures above more often, praying about them, and asking God to help me love the man he gave me as I should...because he deserves so much more than I give sometimes.

On to my thoughts:

Love is obviously a God given thing.

I realize that a lot of people are probably screaming that I used to be a cynical man-disliker (LOL) but, I have always realized that love is a gift God gave us to give and receive...whatever kind of love that can manifest itself as. Friendship, spouses, family.

Love was given to us by God.

I used to think that it should be an inherent ability. We should just KNOW how to love.

I'm realizing that's definitely not the case.

Love is work.

It's working on yourself. It's caring about someone else more than yourself. Not being selfish. Not being prideful.

Enjoyable work, albeit, but work all the same.

If love was an inherent ability, the author of Corinthians wouldn't have needed to pen the words above. But he did...because we are humans, and we are flawed, imperfect beings.

Anything precious is definitely worth the work...

Unspoken Prayers...

2010-02-24T09:29:00.000-08:00

"I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way
Have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away
And opening up has always been the hardest thing
Until you came..."

-Lady Antebellum

Sometimes God answers our unspoken prayers.

How many times have I heard it said that in order for God to hear and answer our prayers we have to be loud?

We have to 'talk' to Him.

'Tell' Him what we need.

Sorry, but I'm not in that thought process boat anymore.

I Samuel 1:13 says:

"Now Hannah, she spake in her heart; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard: therefore Eli thought she had been drunken."

Hannah's prayer was answered: as we all know. This is one of the most referred to 'prayers answered' in the Old Testament.

Yes, the prophet thought she was drunk, but no, she was not weeping and wailing and making noise.

She spake in her heart.

God answers unspoken prayers sometimes...and I'm a witness of that.

And I for one am thankful for His answering of unspoken prayers...

Valentine's Day...

2010-02-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

So I generally hate Valentine's Day.

In general, I still do.

It's more than a bit cliche, more than a bit over done, and only one day a year in which people focus on love.

But THIS Valentine's Day is more than a bit special for me...

Perhaps I'll share why...later.

Weird...

2010-02-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love...

Not an Ounce...

2010-02-01T13:28:00.000-08:00

"If you ever choose to walk away from something, someone, somewhere...do it with grace, class, style, and not an ounce of bitterness."

I saw this quote on a friend's Facebook page recently, and it resonated with me. Sometimes, things just don't work.

A job.

A friendship.

A relationship.

It's life.

Some things just don't work as we'd like them to. No matter how much we try, strive and work to make it the way we'd like...sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

We have to make choices that aren't always exactly how we imagined something to turn out.

In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to make choices that cause hurt and pain...bitterness.

But this isn't a perfect world, and neither are we perfect. So we make the best choices we can, and we continue through life.

Grace, style, class and without bitterness...

Those are words to take to heart.

Just a Few Thoughts...

2010-01-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

There is seldom a sight more sobering than that of a tow truck carrying 2 cars that have both been battered in an accident driving down the freeway. It is a constant reminder to pay attention while driving, and to ensure that while driving, you are cautious.

With the recent rain, I have seen this quite a bit, and this afternoon was no different. This time, as I drove by, I glanced over as I passed. The damage that was done to that vehicle was so intense that I doubt anyone could have made it out of that accident alive.

Do I know for sure if it was a fatal accident or not?

Of course not.

Can I suspect that it was?

Of course.

Would I be entirely accurate if I made assumptions?

Absolutely not.

So many times, we look at a situation from the outside and make assumptions based off of our suspicions.

We project our emotions. actions and logic onto a situation that we have no ability to predict.

It is so easy for us, as humanity, to look at a life from the outside and judge their actions, the situation or the reactions of those entrenched in the battle, that we can forget the humanity that is being injured in the midst of the fight.

To break it down to simple terms: we judge when we have no right to.

We judge others.

We judge ourselves.

We take the place of God in our own lives, and we act as God to others.

I don't know about you, but I don't want that responsibility. God is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. I am none of those. I don't know all. I don't see all. I am not all powerful.

I am not God.

I make mistakes.

I fail.

But despite my passing judgment on myself, and despite my passing judgment on others, He still forgives me.

Aren't you glad that God judges you instead of me judging you? If I were to judge you as harshly as I judge myself, I think we'd all be going to hell. And vice versa. If you were to judge me as harshly as you judge yourself, we'd both be in the pit together.

So maybe, just maybe, we should quit with the judgmental attitudes, the comparing of each other and the subsequent bitterness, hurt and disillusionment that come with a judgmental state of mind.

We might just find that life is a much sweeter place when we accept our failures, other's failures and the forgiveness that God grants with true repentance.

Sunshine and Rain

2010-01-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

"Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain."

When life is going as planned,

The world is sunshine filled,

No clouds on the horizon,

Life is good

But when the clouds invade the sunlit sky,

The sunshine fades away,

And rain pours from the heaven's above,

Life is grand

For even though the darkness falls,

Bright skies are chased away,

I have the hand of You to hold,

And we can dance the rain away...

The Road Not Taken

2010-01-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both,

And be one traveler, long I stood,

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy, and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Annnnd.....

2010-01-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

...welcome to a new year.

Someone asked me if I was going to make a New Year's Resolution this year...here is how that conversation went:

"So are you going to make a New Year's Resolution Bekki? If so, what is it?"

"No, I'm actually not."

"Well why?"

"Well, because I always break them."

He kinda looked at me funny, and then said: "So you're just going to give up?"

"Yep! Apathy is always best." (I was being more than a little slightly sarcastic)

I am not making a resolution this year, because I have come to the conclusion that if I need to change something in my life, I need to change it NOW, not at the beginning of a new year.

So many times we hear people say: "The diet starts Monday." or "I'll start sticking to my budget next month." or "I'll start exercising regularly when/if...etc."

I think that sets me up for failure. I keep practicing my BAD habits when I could immediately implement GOOD habits and begin to break my bad habits. Why put off something that we know we need to change now? The longer we put it off, the harder it will be to keep that resolution.

So no, I am not making a New Year's Resolution. I'm making up my mind to change bad habits that come to light in my life as they arise, so I can practice for success.

2009

2009-12-23T22:55:00.000-08:00

I failed to do a Thanksgiving entry this year, because I was beyond out of my mind with illness. So I figured I would save everything, and write it in an "End of the Year" post.

Where to start? The beginning you say? Ok...

"He sees my beginning...and He stands and the end, and yet He remains faithful..."

The first thing I am thankful for this year, is God's faithfulness. He has proven His faithfulness time after time after time. His love is astounding. His mercy awe inducing. His grace beyond description.

Why me Lord? Why did you choose me? I'm so inadequate. So prone to failure. I complain. I kick against the pricks. I lose myself in the cares of the world. I neglect You.

Nevertheless, I am so incredibly thankful for Your unchanging, unwavering love, mercy and grace. Thank you will never be enough...

Then, there is my family. We gained 2 this year...a brother and a beautiful little girl (beast.) I've seen my siblings change as they've become a mother, an aunt and an uncle. My parents change as they've become Grandparents. It's amazing to see what a little 8 pound baby does to grown adults. We're getting another little addition to the family come June of this year, and I can't wish for anything more than a healthy baby. Girl? Boy? I don't much care...I just want a healthy baby and a safe delivery.

Isabelle Norton is quoted as saying: "In my friend, I find my second self." Then there is the quote by Wayne Dyer: "Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family." While I don't feel any affinity to the second quote, because my family doesn't need to be apologized for, I identify with the first wholly and completely. I have some wonderful friends and companions that I know are God given, and I am so thankful for them.

Now, on to myself. I am thankful for the changes that I have seen in myself this year. God-wrought changes. I couldn't have made any of them alone. He has taken my cynicism and lack of trust, and morphed it into something that is healthier. He has taken my inability to say no...and while I still have a hard time saying no, it's getting a little easier. He has enabled me to forgive, and while it is hard to forget, I can move on in peace. He has given me a peace that passes understanding, that I have literally never felt before.

I am so thankful for the changes in my life this year....and I hope that 2010 holds new possibilities, opportunities for growth and that I will remember, no matter what comes my way, He is there beside me through it all.

Matthew 19:26 "But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible."

untitled

2009-12-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've always heard it said that: "When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better..."

This is hard for me to comprehend at times, because normally, what I have in my hands, HE gave to me in the first place.

So He is taking something that He gave me? To give me something better?

If God is all knowing, all powerful and completely sovereign, then this means that He knew what He gave me first was going to be taken away. And so, it stands to reason, that what He gave me was to a) teach me something, b) only to be there for a time and c) change me in some way or another.

How do I know then, if the thing that He has given to me now, isn't going to be taken away as well?

I catch myself thinking sometimes like God is a human parent.

"If I do this wrong, I will be punished, but if I do this right, I will be rewarded."

So I then catch myself thinking: "If I do everything right, then this won't be taken away from me."

Oh to have that assurance.

"I will trust You Lord,

I will fear no more,

When You lead where I can't see,

I know You know what's best for me,

The way You chose to lead,

Really matters not to me,

For I know that You will be,

All that my soul will ever need..."

Amazing Grace...

2009-12-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

Amazing Grace, will always be my song of praise
For it was grace, that bought my liberty
I do not know, just why He came to love me so
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul
He looked beyond my faults and saw my need

I shall forever lift mine eyes to Calvary
To view the cross, where Jesus died for me
How marvelous, His grace that caught my falling soul

He looked beyond my faults and saw my need...

Forgetting...

2009-12-14T11:35:00.000-08:00

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” -Lewis B. Smedes

Sometimes I wish for a mental eraser so I can erase all of the memories I would rather forget.

But sometimes, those memories act as a protective shield for me.

So my hope for the future from those memories is to keep from getting hurt. Does that work?

"Hey Lord, did you see that's my hope for the future?

What's that you say?

I need to be hurt to keep a broken, pliable spirit?

But Lord...I don't want to be!

I'm tired of crying Lord!

What's that?

You'll comfort me and pick up my broken pieces?

What if I don't think you're doing it fast enough?"

Are You Jesus?

2009-12-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding. ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad that he did. The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, 'Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?' She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, 'I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly.' As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, 'Mister....' He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, 'Are you Jesus?' He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: 'Are you Jesus?'

--
Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day. Having the Holy Ghost means that you have more than just "Knowing Him," His Spirit lives inside of you. Do you let it shine out or do you cloak it with worldly cares? Each one of us can relate with the bruised apple too. We have all been bruised by the fall of sin and the cares that life tosses at us. He purchased our bruised souls with a price...shouldn't we pass the knowledge on to someone else who needs their broken goods purchased?
--

Do more than just talk about Jesus today. BE Jesus to someone.

*I have posted this in the past, I just felt like it was worth repeating.

Let Me Make One Thing Clear...

2009-12-12T00:24:00.000-08:00

...I never explain! - Mary Poppins

I do believe that I shall adopt this quote from the lady with the miracle bag as my motto for life!

Tonight, Dieanna and I went to go see the Mary Poppins Musical at the Ahmanson Theatre as a 'last supper' type outing before she ruins her lif...I mean gets hitched next Saturday!

I truly enjoyed the musical and the time that we were able to spend together before she goes off and leaves me alone at church.

Anyway. Back to Mary Poppins. It was so incredibly adorable.

The story line differed from the original quite a bit but it was very catchy and the songs were great.

"Supercalifragelisticexpialidocious...."

Although, I discovered that somewhere deep within the hidden recesses of my soul must be some sort of a closet romantic, because it was slightly depressing to me that Mary didn't end up with Bert.

But the feeling quickly passed, and I, once again, could become the cynical and unromantic Bekki.

Because what better life than to be able to fly away with only an umbrella, pull everything out of a bag that is no bigger than a carry-on, sing "I'm Practically Perfect in Every Way" (and have multiple people agree with her), and be so unencumbered?

Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT! (little Brian Regan for you there)

All The World's a Stage...

2009-12-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?” -Chuck Palahniuk

It's a slightly irreverent idea to think that we could leave this life, change our costume and come back as a different character...but it's an intriguing idea!

I would have to say that I wouldn't do either: slow down or speed up.

I love my life how it is right now...and I wouldn't change a thing. That's right.

Wouldn't

Change

Single

Thing.

It's a great place to be in life!

God is good.

I am not...

In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It Goes On. -Robert Frost

A Study in Brokenness...

2009-12-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

An excerpt from A Tale of Three Kings...

"David was caught in a very uncomfortable position: however he seemed to grasp a deep understanding of the unfolding drama in which he had been caught. He seemed to understand something that few of even the wisest men of his day understood. Something that in our day, when men are wiser still, even fewer understood.

And what was that?

God did not have -- but wanted very much to have -- men and women who would live in pain.

God wanted a broken vessel.

The mad king saw David as a threat to the king's kingdom. Saul did not understand, it seems, that God should be left to decide what kingdoms survive which threats. Not knowing this, Saul did what all mad kings do. He threw spears at David. He could. He was king. Kings can do things like that. They almost always do. Kings claim the right to throw spears. Everyone knows very, very well. How do they know? Because the king has told them so -- many, many times.

Is it possible that this mad king was the true king, even the Lord's anointed?

And what about your king? Is he the Lord's anointed? Maybe he is. Maybe he isn't. No one can ever really know for sure. Men say that they are sure. Even certain. But they are not. They do not know. God knows. But he will not tell. If your king is truly the Lord's anointed, and if he also throws spears, then there are some things you can know, and know for sure:

Your king is quite mad.

And he is a king after the order of King Saul.

God has a university. It's a small school. Few enroll; even fewer graduate. Very, very few indeed.

God has this school because he does not have broken men and women. Instead, he has several other types of people. He has people who claim to have God's authority...and don't --people who claim to be broken...and aren't. And people who do have God's authority, but who are mad and unbroken. And he has, regretfully, a great mixture of everything in between. All of these he has in abundance, but broken men and women, hardly at all."

-Gene Edwards

A Breath or Two...

2009-12-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Today, very simply, Jimmy Needham sums up my feelings:

I'm tired of putting one foot in front of the other,

I'm weary of where it leads me to,

I'm tired of moving on from my Father,

Make me rest my head and take a breath or two...

Some days I just get tired of moving on, progressing and pushing forward.

I get ill at the treatment of supposed Christians and their treatment of the fellow Christians that will be in Heaven with them. If you don't like me...I'm sorry, (actually I'm not sorry at all...so get over it,) that my goal is Heaven, but you might want to start preparing yourself for an Eternity of seeing me around...because I intend to make it.

That's my only goal in life currently actually.

Vindictiveness, strife, and spite will not help me achieve my goal.

Forgiveness, love, and mercy will.

My God is a God that loves...yes, He is also judgment.

The absolutely amazing thing about God is the fact that He is balanced.

He loves and He judges.

He condemns, but also redeems.

To us, He seems like a dichotomy. But He isn't.

There is nothing contradicting about Him, because He embodies all that is just, right, and loving.

His justice does not come without love.

His correction does not come without mercy.

So many people could learn so much from His Character.

Lord...as nervous as it makes me to say this: teach me YOUR ways. I don't want to learn 'Your' ways only from flawed humanity, I want to learn them from YOU.

My life has become a study in brokenness...I'm eager to see what You make of the pieces I bring to You...

2009-12-01T14:19:00.000-08:00

Can I just say...

My God is amazing!

Just sayin'.

Road Signs: Warning!!!

2009-11-30T12:28:00.000-08:00

I think some people are placed in our lives to warn us what we could become if we take certain paths....

I'm thankful that God has chosen to love me enough to show me someone who I *could* be like...and why I shouldn't want to be like that.

The hardest part is keeping my eyes on the prize...and the role model HE placed in my life.

Time to come to a screeching halt and adjust my direction...

Thanks...

2009-11-29T18:05:00.000-08:00

After all of the stealing and cheating,
You probably think that I hold resentment for you,
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong,
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through,
So I wanna say thank you,

'Cause it makes me that much stronger,
Makes me work a little bit harder,
It makes me that much wiser,
So thanks for making me a fighter,
Made me learn a little bit faster,
Made my skin a little bit thicker,
Makes me that much smarter,
So thanks for making me a fighter,

Never saw it coming,
All of your backstabbing,
Just so you could cash in,
One good thing before I realized your game,
I heard you're going around,
Playing the victim now,
But don't even begin,
Feeling I'm the one to blame,
'Cause you dug your own grave, uh huh

After all of the fights and the lies,
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore,
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over,
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture,
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down,
So I wanna say thank you,

So thanks for making me a fighter!

-C.A.

Congratulations...

2009-11-29T17:22:00.000-08:00

...to my Aunt Janelle.

Yesterday, my Aunt married a nice guy...if anyone deserves it, she does.

After being married to a jerk for so long, I'm glad she got a nice guy.

I got to hang out with my siblings (and their significant others) at the reception, and more importantly, got to see Caterina.

I love that little girl!

Her dad (my brother-in-law) greeted me by saying: "So Bekki, I hear you're satan."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyone who gets what that is referring to, you must know that I almost fell out laughing on the floor from that comment.

It was great. Made my day actually!!!

Anyhow, congrats Aunt Janelle.

I'm still exhausted quite easily, and stupid me has been cleaning for hours...I just want to collapse into bed. But since I have to work tomorrow, I know that I need to stay up a bit later so I can sleep through the night.

Maybe the mall is calling me for some Christmas shopping...still have a few people to shop for...namely Erica Marxer...who is coming home for Christmas!!! YAY!!!!!

When You Think You're Dying....

2009-11-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

...There are A LOT of things that go through your mind.

Earlier this week...Monday, I believe, I leaned my head back against my bed...and thought that I had somehow fallen and hit my head. I had a HUGE lump on the back of my head...so I thought...hmmmm...nope. I haven't hit my head...haven't done anything to get a lump....hmmmm.

Well...that painful lump was a foreshadow of the rest of this week of misery!!

It turned out to be a swollen lymph node (I had a matching lump on the other side of my head), and I turned out to have a nasty flu bug. Or something equally as nasty.

I was in bed for a full 24 hours, up only for dinner and water. At the highest point, that I saw, my fever was at 102.4 or so, and my head hurt so bad I could barely see the thermometer.

I was pretty sure I was dying. (I kid, I kid, but it WAS miserable.)

Anyway, I am today, up for the first time for a full day this week since Monday (and desperately wishing I were in bed currently), coughing, hacking, wheezing, and swaying on my feet. But I'm up. And THAT'S what matters. I'm well enough to be out of bed.

Not saying I won't still go to Urgent Care tonight or tomorrow...but...I'M UP!

The thoughts that went through my head were quite random though, and ran the gamut of: 'If I die, my room is a disaster. How embarrassing that I haven't even unpacked from WCC!!" to "My car needs an oil change." to "I really, really want something sweet." to "Laying in bed is sooooooooo boring, and I don't feel like reading, I have looked at all of my cooking blogs, and I am, in general, bored."

So God basically said: "Bekki, if YOU won't relax...I will force you to!!!"

And He still is, because I am still weaker than a baby.

But despite all of that, I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I know that I am thankful for too many things to list here tonight.

In other news, I am sick of logging into my own blog, sooooo...we're no longer private (and YES I do have a mouse in my pocket to contribute to that 'we're,' I'm not schizophrenic...yet.)

On The Other Side of Broken

2009-11-24T11:54:00.000-08:00

On the other side of broken there's a life that's been repaired.

This life wasn't handled by just anyone, but the One who truly cares.

Smashed and shattered until it could be recognized no more…

Who could have known what His mighty hand had in store?

On the other side of broken spiritual eyes can take flight.

Finally seeing meaning to the darkness of the night.

No longer stalked by the ferocious lions of despair…

This life, although broken, now soars on divine wings of holy air.

On the other side of broken much questioning will cease.

Not because of answers found, but because of His sweet peace.

Like the dew from the heavens will it shower your soul…

It's here that you realize, He really has been in control.

On the other side of broken you accept your calling to become,

Not just one of the multitude, no, but a vessel carefully chosen, a peculiar one.

No longer can you reside on the shelf of the mundane…

You are now appointed with distinction, a precious valuable to be claimed.

So while you are on the anvil, being pounded away…

Or placed back within the heated oven to mold your soul to stay…

If only you can remember this one thing on that day:

Your vessel is being chosen and on the other side of broken…

Will become priceless clay.

-Danan Benson

Wild Dogs...

2009-11-21T23:46:00.000-08:00

My Pastor is an incredibly amazing man of God.

The Godly wisdom that he uses while dealing with situations within his own life, the lives of his saints and the church in general, is astounding.

On Wednesday night, he preached about the danger of fighting someone else's battle and taking up with a 'side,' when you don't know the full story.

His text was taken from Proverbs 26:17:

"He that passeth by, and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears."

He was careful to point out that at this time, dogs were not domesticated, cute, furry creatures, as we know them today.

They were commonly violent, vicious and wild animals that did not belong in a household.

When we take 'sides' on a war that is not our own, join arms in a battle that does not involve us, and recruit others to fight in a cold war that involves us not at all, we are jumping into a very, very dangerous and volatile situation.

In verse 22, the wisdom of Proverbs continues: "The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly."

Talebearer: "a person who spreads gossip, secrets, etc., that may cause trouble or harm."

A talebearer wounds the individual whose tales they are bearing...would you intentionally stab someone in the back with a knife? In a literal sense?

Then why do you feel that it's ok to stab someone in the back in a figurative sense?

Words are no less harmful than knives to the receiver of the wound.

Verse 28 continues on to say: "A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin."

If you have lied against/about someone...you hate that person. At least, that's what I'm reading in this passage of scripture. "Hateth those that are afflicted by it."

We are commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves. Does this JUST include those who live, physically, next to us?

No.

That would be an asinine assumption to make.

Just remember that in Romans chapter 1, verses 29-31, backbiters are grouped into the same category as: "unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful"

That list sends shivers down my spine.

Such a 'simple' sin as backbiting gets the same 'recognition' here as HATERS OF GOD, inventors of evil things, murderers and adulterers.

Lord help us to control our tongues.

If you are the individual trying to get someone on 'your side,' you are not doing your friends a favor. In fact, you are stunting their growth spiritually.

Keep your nose in your own business, because, more than likely, if you're sticking it somewhere it doesn't belong, your own life is in Spiritual shambles.

Finally...

2009-11-20T14:25:00.002-08:00

I bought a Macbook!!!

This is my first official post from MY Macbook.

I need to name it now...any suggestions?!?

Anne of Green Gables

2009-11-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

"Marilla, isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with
no mistakes in it yet?"

"I'll warrant you'll make plenty in it," said Marilla. "I never
saw your beat for making mistakes, Anne."

"Yes, and well I know it," admitted Anne mournfully. "But
have you ever noticed one encouraging thing about me, Marilla?
I never make the same mistake twice."

"I don't know as that's much benefit when you're always making new ones."

"Oh, don't you see, Marilla? There must be a limit to the mistakes
one person can make, and when I get to the end of them, then I'll be

through with them. That's a very comforting thought."

2009-11-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:7

True Change

2009-11-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

I've discovered that the only person I can really change is me! I can control only my behavior and my attitudes. My hope is that by accepting responsibility for myself, others may chose to do the same.

-Lee D. Bason

Change isn't something that can be forced upon us...sure we can be plunged into a situation where we are required to change some aspect of something we do, or how we react to something. But true change comes with a paradigm shift.

A change in our thought process.

A change in our thinking causes us to change our actions and words drastically.

There is a story that I have heard many times about a young child who was standing up in the backseat of their parent's car.

When the parent asked the child to sit, the child responded with a resounding "NO!!"

The parent, as any concerned parent would do, demanded the child sit down.

Again, the child responded with a resounding "NO!!"

So the parent went on to threaten the child with a spanking if they did not sit.

The child sat.

The parent said thanked the child for their obedience.

The child then responded: "I may be sitting down on the outside, but I'm standing up on the inside."

The child might have changed what they were doing, but the attitude remained.

There are times when God chastens us as believers.

He corrects our thinking, our actions and our words.

Hebrews 12:6 tells us that God corrects those whom He loves...

"For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth."

As any loving parent...God corrects us when we do things that are not pleasing to Him.

Our attitude towards this "correction," many times, can determine the change that occurs within us.

If we're like the petulant child in the story above, we probably won't get the point of the chastening...and so many times God will have to put us back through the trial/correction for us to understand.

I don't know about you, but I hope and pray that I can keep my heart and my attitude where it needs to be so that I don't have to experience the pain and discomfort of correction again.

Safe

2009-10-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

You keep trying to get inside my head,

While I keep trying to lose the words you said,

Can't you see I'm hanging by a thread,

To my life what I know,

Yeah, I'm losing control...

Oh no, my walls are going to break,

So close, it's more than I can take,

I'm so tired of turning and running away,

When love just isn't safe...

I'm strong enough I've always told myself,

I never want to need somebody else,

But I've already fallen from that hill,

So I'm dropping my guard, here's your chance at my heart...

It's everything you want, but it's everything you need,

It's not always happy endings, but it's all the in between,

It's taken so long, so long to finally see, that your love is worth the risk...

Oh no, my walls are going to break....

-Britt Nicole

Not Without Pain...

2009-10-23T11:04:00.001-07:00

"God who foresaw your tribulation has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain, but without stain." -C.S. Lewis

The Next Generation

2009-10-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight I went to the Southern California Summit meeting in Rialto. As usual, the music was phenomenal, the worship powerful and the saints were friendly. I love this about the Rialto church! They are so welcoming to any and all who come through their doors. Brother Todd Nance took the floor to begin preaching, and he took his text from Hebrews 11. The "Faith Chapter."

Hebrews 11:21
"By faith Jacob, when he was a dying, blessed both the son's of Joseph; and worshipped, leaning upon the top of his staff."

He introduced the sermon by saying that some would call Hebrews 11: "The Faith Chapter," but he believes that Hebrews 11 records the most powerful acts of faith in each one of the individuals lives that are chronicled.

He then went on to reference a quote:

"In the end, we will conserve only what we love,
We will love only what we understand,
And we will understand only that which we are taught."

I blogged about the life of Jacob a few entries ago, and spoke about his desire for the things of God. Brother Nance spoke to another aspect of Jacob during this sermon though, and it resonated with some of my Bible reading from earlier this week.

He said that Jacob had a driving ambition to enable the next generation.

To enable them to have the things that he had to deceive for.

To enable them to have the blessing that he cheated his brother of.

In the end, Jacob's greatest act of faith was to adopt Joseph's two sons and to sever their ties with Egypt.

He was allowing these two boys to have the heritage and the blessing that he was given.

His concern was for the next generation.
-
My reading earlier this week was in Esther 1, when Queen Vashti refused to come before the King.

I noticed something that I have never noticed before in this reading, and that was in verse 17.

"For this deed of the queen shall come abroad unto all women, so that they shall despise their husbands in their eyes, when it shall be reported, The king Ahasuerus commanded Vashti the queen to be brought in before him, but she came not."

Queen Vashti was to be an example to the women in her husband's kingdom, as well as to the girls who were growing up in that kingdom.

Because of her act of rebellion, a portion of the kingdom was at risk of falling into her sin.

How many times does God call us, and we don't answer?

How many times does God ask us to speak to someone about His love, and we ignore that beckoning?

We are not just jeopardizing our OWN salvation, but we are jeopardizing the salvation of those around us. Saved or unsaved.

You may think that no one is watching your life, but they are.

It is so important to remember that if you don't do it, God will raise up an Esther...and you will lose your place in God's Kingdom.

Be an example to those around you...

Keep your concern for the next generation. Whether it be the next generation age wise, or the next generation of new converts in your church.

Vashti learned a valuable lesson, far too late.

Don't learn your lesson when you can't undo the damage that you have already done in your life, and in the lives of those who are watching your life as an example.

The Safety of His Arms

2009-10-15T11:15:00.000-07:00

There is a God, who loves me,

Who wraps me in His arms,

And that is the place where I'm changed,

And that's where I belong.

So take me to that place Lord, to that secret place where I can be with You,

And You can make me like You

Wrap me in Your arms, wrap me in Your arms, wrap me in Your arms...

I'm safe...I'm safe...I'm safe...

For some reason lately, the safety of God's arms has been a recurring theme in my prayer, in my music choices and in my studies.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1

Safety from what? From whom?

I'm not certain myself.

I don't know about you, but I am so thankful for the protecting arms of my Savior.

It feels so wonderful to just rest in His arms...where He can make me like Him and I can learn His ways.

So today, I'm resting.

I'm resting in the Safety of His Arms,

I'm not only resting though, I'm trusting.

Trusting Him in my relationships.

Trusting Him for my future.

He sees the tapestry of my life before I even know the color of the thread...and I am so thankful that I don't have to make the choices myself.

Man's life is laid in the loom of time, to a pattern he does not see,

While the weavers work and the shuttles fly, till the dawn of eternity.

Some shuttles are filled with silver threads, and some with threads of gold,

While often but the darker hues, are all that they may hold.

But the weaver watches with a skillful eye, each shuttle fly to and fro,

And sees the pattern so deftly wrought, as the loom moves sure and slow.

God surely planned the pattern: each thread, the dark and fair,

Is chosen by His master skill, and placed in the web with care.

He only knows its beauty, and guides the shuttles which hold,

The threads so unattractive, as well as the threads of gold.

Not until each loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God reveal the pattern and explain the reason why.

The dark threads were as needful in the weaver's skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver, for the pattern which He planned.

-Author unknown

"Have Your Way"

2009-10-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

Feels like I've been here forever,

Why can't you just intervene?

Do you see the tears are falling?

And I'm falling apart at the seams...

But you never said the road would be easy,

But you said that you would never leave,

And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,

But you promised you would take care of me.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,

I'll stop praying for an escape.

I'll trust you God with where I am,

And believe you will have your way.

Just have your way,

Just have your way...

When my friends and family have left me,

I feel so ashamed and so cold.

Remind me you take broken things,

And turn them into beautiful.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape.
I'll trust you God with where I am,
And believe you will have your way.
Just have your way,
Just have your way...

Even if my dreams have died,

And even if I don't survive,

I'll still worship you with all my life...

Britt Nicole

When God Uses the Word Hate

2009-10-05T09:43:00.000-07:00

Romans 9:13

"As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated."

(see Malachi 1 for more on this)

Why?

How could God love one brother, yet hate the other?

They were twins.

They had the same lineage.

They were probably more alike than they were different, although the Bible tells us that they had very different pastimes.

Esau was a hunter, Jacob stayed in the tents.

One was favored by Daddy, and one was favored by Mommy.

So why did God love one and hate the other?

The difference was Desire.

Jacob had a desire for the things of God.

Esau couldn't care less.

He sold his birthright.

Proverbs 23:23 says "Buy the truth, and sell it not; also wisdom, and instruction, and understanding"

Esau was born into privilege. He had the truth. He didn't have to buy it.

It was his.

So many Apostolic young people are born into privilege, but they despise their birthright.

Jacob did everything within his power, yes, even lying, cheating and stealing, to get the blessing that Esau had.

And Esau just handed it over.

Are you more like Esau than Jacob?

Or do you have the desire that Jacob did...that even though sometimes you might be misguided, you have the desire that God loves?

Buy the truth...and sell it not.